2012-2013 Minnesota Timberwolves Predictions

Thanks to our Wolves correspondent, MT, for this one:

Me:  The 2012-13 Minnesota Timberwolves will win 50 games.

 

You:  I'm sorry, there's a police stand-off outside the building and 100 police sirens are blaring, and I'm also currently wearing my October earmuffs.  Can you repeat that?

 

Me:  The 2012-13 Minnesota Timberwolves will win 50 games.

 

You:  I still don't think I heard you right.  I was interrupted by my iPhone 5, which just played a Justin Bieber clip, meaning I got a text message from my mom's friend.  One more time, what did you say?

 

Me:  The 2012-13 Minnesota Timberwolves will win 50 games.

 

You:  *starts dialing 9-1-1*

 

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Hey, I agree, 50 games seems like a lot… OK, and when a team hasn't won more than 33 games in EIGHT YEARS, it really, really seems like a lot… And considering that the Western Conference could feature as many as nine OTHER 50 game winners this year, including three 60 game winners… Well, OK, 50 games really is a lot.

 

Nevertheless, the 2012-13 Minnesota Timberwolves will win at least 50 games.  Here's why:

 

1.       Last year's team was THIS close.

Contrary to popular B.A.B. (Bay Area Belief), had the 2011-12 season ended prior to the date that now lives in infamy (March 9, 2012:  Ricky's Injury), the Minnesota Timberwolves would have been the 8th Seed in the NBA Playoffs.  What???  Oh that's right, you, like everyone else, completely blacked out after the date that lives in infamy and don't recall anything from the rest of the season, aside from Michael Beasley rubbing Anthony Tolliver's knee on the bench and thinking it was actually his own.  Is this really true that the Timberwolves were the 8th seed at one point last year?  Yes, it's true.  Prior to Ricky's injury, the Wolves were a playoff team.  The team was 21-19 to be exact on that date, but more importantly the team was in the midst of picking up steam and running downhill on an 18-13 run since allowing the unicorn to take over in the starting lineup.  Extrapolating that 18-13 record (58.1 winning pct.) over an 82 game season amounts to 47.6 wins.  Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a sec… you're saying that LAST YEAR's haphazardly thrown together squad of misfit toys was on a 48 win pace once Ricard entered the starting lineup??  Actually 47.6 wins, but yes, that is correct.  And as we continue, just remember, that was LAST YEAR's haphazardly thrown together squad of misfit toys, complete with Darko Milicic straightjacket and Anthony Randolph changing table.

 

2.       This year's team is THIS much better than last year's team.

Let's take a moment to examine the transformation resulting from one summer's worth of Adelman & Sons asserting their collective will upon the franchise which had seen the squad assembled over the previous summers under David Kahn's "brain:  optional" roster construction policy:

 

        OUT:  Beasley, Wes, Webster, Ellington, Darko, Randolph, Tolliver, Miller

        IN:  Kirilenko, Roy, Budinger, Stiemsma, Shved, Amundson, Cunningham

        SAME:  Love, Rubio, Pekovic, Ridnour, Williams, Barea, Lee

 

Re-read that "IN" list one more time.  Now give the "OUT" list another look.  OK, now this time really stare at the "OUT" list.  Now read the "OUT" list, followed quickly by the "SAME" list, followed even more quickly by the "IN" list.  OK, we're ready.  Let's break this down objectively.  From the list of last year's players no longer on the club, there are literally ZERO guys that would play rotational minutes on a GOOD team.  Anthony Tolliver is the only player that's even close.  Karaoke favorite Michael Beasley is an above average, albeit streaky, offensive player, but he will never play meaningful minutes for a championship team, unless of course he joins a team in the skittles-eating league, in which case he would be a lock for 20 consecutive Finals MVPs.

 

Now, as we look at the list of players coming "IN", it could be argued that EVERY single player could play rotational minutes on a good team, with the current exception possibly being Alexey Shved (although current should be emphasized).  Well, this must be an exaggeration right?  No.  But you're basically saying that all of the "OUT" players are garbage and all of the "IN" players can contribute to a good team.  Prove it.  OK, no problem.  Dante Cunningham played 7.0 rotational minutes per game in 7 PLAYOFF games for the Grizzlies last year.  Lou Amundson played 8.5 minutes per game in 11 PLAYOFF games for the Pacers last year.  Greg Stiemsma played 7.5 minutes per game in 19 PLAYOFF games for the Celtics last year.  And these three guys are arguably the 5th, 6th and 7th best players picked up by the Wolves this summer.  You see where we're going here?  It's not about accumulating as much "length" and "athleticism" as humanly possible.  It's about assembling the best and most cohesive unit.  The three guys mentioned are solid role players, nothing more, nothing less.  They're not being brought in to put the team on their shoulders.  That's what is already required of the group of guys we're about to discuss.

 

Well, we can all agree that the positive vibes flowing from the last two paragraphs regarding the roster turnover is great but get this:  from our "SAME" list we see a Top-10 (borderline Top-5) player in the league who is likely still improving, a Top-10 point guard in the league (Top-3 Passing and Top-3 Defensively) who is definitely improving and has the potential to be transcendent (only a mild exaggeration), a Top-10 center in the league who is definitely adding skulls to the pile (i.e., improving), a couple role playing guards and a player still with potential.  So, basically, the cornerstones of the roster were all left in place.  These are the guys, specifically Love, Rubio and Pekovic, upon which the team will be carried as far as it's going to go no matter who's around them.  Kirilenko, Roy, Budinger and the rest of the cast are here to make their jobs easier.  And they will.  Especially compared to last year's ensemble of fast food workers.  So, essentially as of now, all of the pieces are in place.

 

You're having trouble comprehending/believing this.  Me too.  How could a team go about trimming ALL of its fat (literally, in the case of Dorko), while obtaining nothing but muscle in its stead, while also simultaneously retaining and allowing its existing muscle to further strengthen (literally, in the case of The Godfather Nikola Pekovic)?  This sounds like the work of Adelman & Sons.

 

3.    This year's team is THIS much better than last year's team:  Part II.

To simplify things even further, here's a categorical breakdown comparing last year's squad to this year's:

 

        Offense:  Let's see, last year Wes Johnson took the second most three-point attempts on a team with the sixth most three-point attempts in the league, a team with the eighth worst three-point shooting percentage in the league.  In related news, no one would be surprised if Wes Johnson were to smile and thank the cop for the speeding ticket he just gave him.  In unrelated news, Chase Budinger plays for this year's team and last year, he shot 48.5% on corner threes.  Wes Johnson shot 28% on corner threes last year.  Having guys capable of converting a wide-open jump shot is a definite leap forward, but there's a whole host of other factors that make this year's team much better offensively, including the team IQ level and the amount of guys that can actually dribble a basketball this year, but we'll keep this one short.  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

        Defense:  Was Andrei Kirilenko on last year's team?  Oh, he wasn't?  Well, is he on this year's team?  He is?!?!?!  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

        Rebounding:  From the list of "OUT" players no longer on the team, Michael Beasley is the best rebounder.  It should probably also be noted that this year's team features a starting front-line of Love, Pekovic and Kirilenko.  These might be the only three guys in the league that have heard the phrase "boxing out" before.  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

        Passing:  Admittedly, there is definitely an elephant in the room here that needs to finally be addressed.  The western conference features a team where Jeremy Lin is arguably its best player.  LOL.  Talk about a team with issues.  OK, OK, so we don't know exactly when Ricky Rubio will play again, and we don't know how long it will take for things to eventually start clicking once he returns.  However, that being said, Ricky's return needn't be rushed, because the team will manage for the time being, and there are two primary reasons why.  One, Rick Adelman is the head coach for the Timberwolves.  And two, Rick Adelman constructed this year's roster for the Timberwolves.  A Rick Adelman coached/constructed team relies primarily on basketball intelligence, but also on high energy and character.  A seemingly long-lost concept called playing "team basketball" is also a primary pillar.  Everybody on this year's roster knows how to pass, how to move without the ball and how to communicate and help on defense.  Basketball 101 you say?  Try telling that to Darko as he competes with himself for the most disinterested/psychotic expression one can maintain while sitting at the end of the bench.  So anyway, what you're saying is that we shouldn't be worried about counting down the seconds until the Return of Ricky since Adelman has everything under control right?  Heck no, of course we need to get that second-counter going!!  Getting struck by lightning would not be fun!  OK, now we've clarified the troubling elephant-unicorn-lightning corollary.  What category were we talking about again?  Passing, right.  Hmm… no Ricky for a couple months… hmm… oh right… Adelman coached/constructed team!  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

        Chemistry/Intangibles:  There's a multitude of factors to be weighed here, making this potentially one of the trickiest categories to decipher.  On one hand… you have five fingers.  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

        Coaching:  No doubt Rick Adelman did a masterful job last year.  But let's face it, no longer having "babysitter" as one of his primary roles is a massive upgrade.  ADVANTAGE:  This Year's Team

 

 

Well, what have we learned?  The 2012-13 Phoenix Suns featuring a reunion of Michael Beasley and Wesley Johnson, in the starting lineup no less, will lead the league in LOLs.  OK, very true, but what else?  The 2012-13 Houston Rockets feature the least intelligent Harvard grad ever and the most philosophical shoplifter that's afraid to fly ever, allowing them to lead the league in :(.  OK, we're definitely on to something here, but we're missing one more thing.  The 2012-13 Minnesota Timberwolves will win 50 games!!  Yes!!!  What a learned individual you are!  So, without further ado, let's move on to the predictions.

 

OK, we now know that 50 wins is the baseline for this season's Wolves.  What that means is that we're no longer merely talking about a team making the playoffs for the first time since 2004 (a much simpler time, back when Latrell Sprewell was still able to feed his family), but we're now talking about how high of seed can be achieved.  The way I see it, barring injury, only the top two seeds in the West are out of reach.  From there, number three is probably unrealistic as well, but spot four is definitely up for grabs.  As was touched on earlier, the West is loaded again this year, but the Wolves figure to be right in the thick of things.

 

2012-13 Western Conference Standings

 

Tier 1

1.  OKC 61-21… Durant, Westbrook, Harden, Ibaka, Perkins, Sefolosha, N.Collison, Maynor… The fact that they seem likely to retain both Ibaka AND Harden at less than max deals is unfair to the rest of "our league" (David Kahn ©2009).

2.  LAL 60-22… Bryant, Howard, Nash, Gasol, Artest, Jamison, J.Hill, Meeks... Along with the Miami Heat and Los Angeles Clippers, the Los Angeles Lakers comprise a three team league known as the "National Basketball Association" or "NBA" (ESPN ©2012).

 

Tier 2

3.  SAN 56-26… Duncan, Parker, Ginobli, K.Leonard, Diaw, Splitter, S.Jackson, D.Green… Can someone check the expiration date on this nuclear fallout care package of Twinkies and #CokeZero?

4.  LAC 52-30… C.Paul, Griffin, D.Jordan, Butler, Billups, Odom, Crawford, Bledsoe… The Wolves own this squad.  Next.

5.  DEN 51-31… Iguodala, Lawson, Gallinari, Faried, McGee, Chandler, A.Miller, Koufos... A true superstar does not exist on this team, but an above average starter resides at every position, easily making this one of the most balanced teams in the league.

6.  MEM 51-31… M.Gasol, Gay, Z.Randolph, Conley, Allen, Speights, Arthur, Ellington(lol)… The reeling Grizzlies must pull together and attempt the unfathomable: moving on in the Post-Mayonnaise Era.

7.  MIN 50-32… Love, Rubio, Pekovic, Kirilenko, Roy, Budinger, Ridnour, D.Williams, Stiemsma, Barea, Shved, Amundson, Cunningham, Lee… Out of respect for the quality of the other teams alone, Minnesota is at the bottom of this tier.  They can compete with and take down any of them, however.  #RealTweet

 

Tier 3

8.  UTA 45-37… A.Jefferson, Millsap, Favors, Hayward, Mo.Williams, Ma.Williams, Kanter, Burks… If Big Al and/or Millsap can be packaged for a point guard of some kind, look out.

9.  DAL  44-38… Nowitzki, Marion, D.Collison, Kaman, Mayo, Brand, D.West… The reeling Mavericks must pull together and attempt the unfathomable:  moving on in the Mayonnaise Era.

10. GSW 40-42… S.Curry, D.Lee, Bogut, K.Thompson, H.Barnes, C.Landry, B.Rush, J.Jack, R.Jefferson… Everything hinges on the collective glass appendages of this team.  On paper, 50 wins is not out of the realm of possibility.  Within the realm of reality, however, a 40 win season seems more than generous. 

 

Tier 4

11. POR 32-50… Aldridge, Batum, Matthews, Lillard, M.Leonard, Hickson… We all saw Nic Batum in the Olympics unleash his pent-up frustration over not fulfilling his "dream" of playing for the Wolves.  What a steal for Portland though.  $46M over four years for this superstar really sets them up for four years of title contention.

12. NOH 30-52… E.Gordon, A.Davis, R.Anderson, Aminu, Vasquez, Lopez, Rivers… This team features The Brow.  'Nuff Said.  Oh wait, they added "Most Improved Player" Ryan Anderson from Orlando.  A 40 win season seemed remotely possible before this fact was remembered.

13. PHX 29-53… Beasley, Wes J...(just kidding; not really)…Dragic, Scola, Gortat, Dudley… LOL.

14. SAC 28-54… Cousins, T.Evans, M.Thornton, J.Thompson, I.Thomas, T.Robinson, Jimmer… Meh.  Too many John Smiths on this team to elicit interest.

15. HOU 27-55… J.Lin, K.Martin, Parsons, Asik, Patterson, J.Lamb, Morris, T.Jones, R.White… Look for the return of out-and-out Linsanity early in the season.  Three straight TIME magazine covers minimum.  And that's just the start.  By the Lin-Star break (formerly "All-Star break"), look for ESPLin (formerly "ESPN") to move its headquarters from Bristol, Connecticut to HoustLin (formerly "Houston"), Texas (now known as the "Lin Star State").  Following his other-worldly Finals MVP performance, look for Jeremy Lin to immediately move to 1600 PennsLinvania Avenue and start his much-deserved U.S. Presidency, where his only task will be looking to increase his 100% approval rating.  The End.

 

 

Ultimately, the key for the Wolves will be simply reaching the playoffs.  If and when this happens, we can expect a potentially devastating rotation looking something like this:

 

                PG:  Rubio/Ridnour/Barea/Shved

                SG:  Roy/Budinger/Shved/Ridnour

                SF:  Kirilenko/Budinger/D.Williams/Cunningham

                PF:  Love/D.Williams/Kirilenko/Cunningham

                C:  Pekovic/Stiemsma/Love/Amundson

 

Versatility.  Energy.  IQ.  The Thunder and Lakers want no part of this seven or eight seed.  If one or even two of Brandon Roy, Derrick Williams or Alexey Shved shines this year, watch out.  In all honesty, a first round playoff exit is the likeliest of scenarios, but forcing Oklahoma City to six games would be quite an accomplishment for a team that employed Jonny Flynn a little over a year ago.  If everything goes right though, who knows… Second Round… Western Conference Finals… Fina… nah we'll hold that thought for now.  Next year though?  Look for the Wolves to be in the running for their first banner, attempting to accompany the THREE Lynx banners that will just be hanging around by that time.

 

 

(Note #1:  For the readers out there who are chronically addicted to gambling, please note that the Wolves opened in Vegas at 38.5 wins and have since jumped to 40.5, still well below our baseline of 50.)

 

(Note #2:  All comments regarding one, Jeremy Lin, are in no way meant to detract from the integrity of this piece.  They are meant to detract only from the integrity of those who believe in and support one, Jeremy Lin.  Go Wolves!  We're comin'!  We're comin'!)

Montell Jordan Would be Proud

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan quotes

http://zodiblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/bobbyheenan_display_image.jpg

In the humble opinion of Shoot That S! when it came to pro wrestling commentary there was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and then there was everybody else.  At his peak when paired with Gorilla Monsoon calling WWF matches in the 80s and 90s they could turn even the most dull match into must see TV.  Here are a few of Heenan's gems. (source: http://www.pwwew.net/quotes/heenan.htm)

*the views expressed by Bobby the Brain Heenan are not representative of the views of this blog.*






"A friend in need is a pest."

"What happened there? My monitor went out."

"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"

Gorilla: "Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are."
Bobby: "You're kidding."

Heenan: " That's either the flock or the who's who of skid row."
Schiavone: " Maybe both."

(After saying something smart)
"Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?"

"If you ever had your moon salted you'd know how painful that could be."

(after Juventud Guerrera took off his mask)
"Maybe that's Okerlund under there?" and later. . .
"Now when he delivers pizza, everyone will know who he is."

(Talking about the Narcissist Lex Luger's elbow)
"He's had more hits than Elvis."

"You know what slows down Typhoon? Twinkies--Hostess Cupcakes."

(Talking about Typhoon)
"He uses his weight advantage at dinner."

"Doink is like Jell-o: there is always room for more."

"It's a dog eat dog world, and Mr. Perfect is a Milk Bone."

(When Bob Backlund is entering the arena)
"At 234 pounds, from Mayberry, Opie Taylor."

"North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

Jim Ross: "Hey everybody can't be born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have a chauffeur named Jennifer, who told me she hasn't had a raise in several months."
Bobby Heenan: "She said that?"
Ross: "Yes"
Heenan: "She's fired. I'll unload her like I found her. Do you need a job on the weekends?"
Ross: "I'm a little busy on the weekend"
Heenan: "Oh that's right, you just drive pickup trucks."

"Stu Hart trained all his kids--only three of them use the litter box."

(Talking about the Guerrero family)
"Their family is watching this at home wondering if the wheels are going to get stolen off their house.

(Chris Benoit was wrestling a fake midget Rey Mysterio, Jr.)
"I know who that is. It is the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials."

Terry Schiavone: "I smell Jackhammer. I smell Hogan."
Bobby Heenan: "Anyone close to him does."

Heenan: "You call them Luchadores?"
Tenay: "Luchadores."
Heenan: "That sounds like the tight pants that you wear at a bullfight."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero)
"He's the only guy I know that has a stable of stick horses."

"If you're poor and you do something stupid, you're nuts. If you're rich and do something stupid, you're eccentric."

"You know you put too many lemons in your lemonade when you pucker too much."

Tony Schiavone: "Scott Hall is looking a little better this week."
Bobby Heenan: "It's only Monday."

"There's another way to look at this: there are 153 Villanos wrestling."

(Talking about Chris Jericho)
Lee Marshall: "He is an ego maniac."
Bobby Heenan: "But he's good at it!"
Lee Marshall: "Good observation Brain."
Bobby Heenan: "That's why I'm called the Brain. And that's why I'm here on the Brain Station, TBS."

(Talking about Raven)
Bobby Heenan: "I wonder what his childhood was like: was he from wealthy parents, was he neglected, or was he spoiled?
Tony Schiavone: "Who cares?"
Heenan: "I do!"

Bobby Heenan: "Some nights the Villanos sit around the fire with popcorn and their masks on."
Tony Schiavone: "I hate you!"

(Talking about Alex Wright)
"His mother told me when he was eight months old he sat up in his crib and said 'Headlock.' "

(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"The job is only half done. If they want to shrink his head, they already shrunk his haircut."

(Talking about Yokozuna on the day before Thanksgiving)
"505 pounds and maybe more after tomorrow."

"There is good news and bad news about Rey's shirt, The bad news is the shirt don't fit him, the good news is all the luchadores are moving in"

"There trying to say he just put the figure three on him self."

"If it wasn't for Mrs. Gurrero's chili they wouldn't have invented Rolaids."

Bobby Heenan: "That's not the first time he's been on the ground holding his stomach."
Tony Schiavone: "Huh?"
Bobby Heenan: "Obviously you've never had any of Mrs. Gurrero's chili."

"If you were smart you could have made a Duralog out of Pepe."

(crack at the Bushwhackers)
"The city of New York could legally condemn them."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Pendulum swings."
Bobby Heenan: "Like a pendulum do."
Gorilla Monsoon: "is that a tune?"
Bobby Heenan: "Why do you hear music?"
Gorilla Monsoon: "No."

(Talking about Jim Niedhart)
"Now he's the sane one of the team?"

(Jim Niedhart looks into the camera and laughs)
"I think his headband is on too tight on the Anvil's head. I see I'm right."

"That shirt: It's like sinus infection green."

Tony Schiavone "I'm sure a liar has to make a living like everyone else."
Bobby Heenan "That's why we're here."

(Talking about Ralphus's dress)
"Obviously some cheap motel is missing a shower curtain."
"How could you not turn your attention to Ralphus; he's quite the looker."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero, Jr.)
"He's never been the same since he lost Mr. Ed."

Bobby Heenan: "And don't forget Mickey Jay. He's a second generation, too."
Tony Schiavone: "Who's his father?"
Bobby Heenan: "He's not a wrestling referee. He ref'ed a pee-wee football league back in the '40's."

(Talking about Rey Mysterio, Jr. before he unmasks)
"I think he's ugly. What do you guys think?"

(After Rey Mysterio, Jr. unmasks)
"It's Leave it to Beaver!"

"You should just get beat up for having a last name Whipneck."
(Talking about Mikey Whipwreck)
"Do you think that when Mikey was a kid, was he his parents' little whipper-snapper?"

"Tony, it looks like your room at the Motel 3."

(Talking about Will Sasso from Mad TV)
"We're watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neuman out there."

(Talking about Will Sasso's outfit)
"Do you know what the number 73 means? That's the number of double cheeseburgers he had from 4 - 5."

"I smell a title change, or is it you Tony?"

Bobby Heenan: "I figured out who the Patriot is."
Tony Schiavone: "Who?"
BH: "Where is he from?"
TS: "Washington, DC."
BH: "It's Al Gore."

Mike Tenay: "He's got Roman numerals on his trunks."
Bobby Heenan: "His numerals shouldn't be roamin'."

Mike Tenay: "What took us so long to come to Chapel Hill?"
Bobby Heenan: "We couldn't find it."

(Talking about Tony Schiavone)
"Next week I'll be on the Cartoon Network with pictures of your last date."

(Talking about Jim Duggan)
"He's has a disadvantage when he wakes up."

"What good is shaking your hands? If you want to shake something, put your hands together and wrap them around your opponent's head."

"I remembered when Tony came to WCW. He took the mask off and his career skyrocketed."

"You spend nine years in a hardcore punk band--of course you'd be deaf."

Mike Tenay: "Just who is the leader of the nWo?"
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tony Danza comes out."

(During a hardcore match)
"These two move more furniture than Mayflower."

Tony Schiavone: "Don't try this in your backyard."
Bobby Heenan: "Do it in your living room, it is much more fun. Or maybe in Tony's living room, he'll never know."

"What has Saturn got on? Mudflaps?"

(Booker T makes his own count for the win)
"That wouldn't work. You gotta have a guy dressed like a zebra for that."

"Just the other day I was talking to Cal Ripken, Jr. and he asked me 'Do they pay Tony?' "

"And for those of you that dropped out of high school, remember the famous phrase: 'Do you want fries with that?' "
"I don't have el zippo, I don't even smoke or have a lighter!"

(Talking about Hulk Hogan and pyrotechnics)
"At least he doesn't have to worry about his hair catching on fire."

Jim Ross: "Tremendous ovation for Hacksaw Jim Duggan."
Bobby Heenan: "I don't know why!"

"Kidman's like a broken drum: hard to beat."
"You don't need a vacuum cleaner out here: he's cleaning house himself."

(If Kidman lost the hair vs. mask match)
"What a great new tag team: The Okerlunds"

(Referring to the First Family, who were wearing masks, at Halloween Havoc)
"Jimmy Hart told me they would be wearing masks to the ring. I'm wondering why aren't they."

Tony Schiavone: "I never even knew Evan Karagias was here."
Bobby Heenan: "I never know where he is and don't care."

"Is everyone from Texas nuts, or are we just lucky to see the ones we do?"

Tony Schiavone: "Pardon me."
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not the governor."

Gorilla Monsoon: "He might have some relatives here.  He's looking around."
Bobby Heenan: "He's looking for the exit: the quick way out."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Texas Tornado could sustain permanent brain damage if it's kept on for much longer."
Bobby Heenan: "Then again it could increase his IQ by 9 points.  That would make an even 10."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The corner of the steps hit him in the trapezius."
Bobby Heenan: "That's what they use in the circus."

Tony Schiavone: "That's one of the tings that makes this sport great."
Bobby Heenan: "No I'm one of the things that makes this sport great!"

(Referring to Tony Schiavone)
"That's "The Brain" right there. -And that's the other part of the anatomy"

Flatulence Stats

Yep, we went there. 

According to Wikipedia flatulence is "the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals." 

But wait, there's more:

• Chemical makeup of the average fart: 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen.
• The average person passes gas 14 times per day
• If you fart constantly for 6 years, 9 months and 23 days you would produce enough gas to explode an atomic bomb.
• A Cow farts enough each day to fill 30 party balloons.
• Farts exit the body at approximately 10 km/hour
• The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. 
• The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
• Contrary to a popular misconception, fart noise is not generated by the flapping of the butt cheeks. 
• Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.
• Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.
• A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
• Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.

• Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. 
   
   
   (Sources: "Facts on Farts" by Breanna Lorenz along with many other web sites you will never want to visit...)
   
   
   
   
  
  
  
  
   
   
  
  
   

Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson is owned by 1.5% of teams in ESPN Fantasy Football Leagues.

Not this Adrian Peterson:

This Adrian Peterson:

Who is currently a street free agent.  He also looks like Whoopi Goldberg.

This means there were some guys in fantasy leagues that where really suprise that Adrian Peterson was still available and thought:
1.) "AP is still available this late in the draft!"
2.) "AP is available on my waiver wire!"

We will update in a few weeks and see if these people figure out that they have Whoopi Adrian Peterson and not Vikings Adrian Peterson and the ownership falls to the appropriate level of 0%.

The Patriots - Fighting for Freedom from This Gimmick

Reaching deep into the bowels of WCW's dark days (i.e., 1991-1993), we at Shoot That S are pleased to induct The Patriots into our Pro Wrestling Junk Drawer.

Firebreaker Chip and Todd Champion, probably reluctantly, joined forces in 1991. Chip had the gimmick of, you guessed it, a fireman... Perhaps surprisingly, Chip's past gimmick was even worse; you see, back in his USWA days, Chip (Curtis Thompson to his non-friends) had a gimmick of "The Ultimate Male", in which he wore a mailman outfit to the ring. Unfortunately, Google's entire algorithm mainframe exploded when I tried to find a picture of this. Todd's ring-name was a bit more deceptive; he was billed as recently returning from Desert Storm. Confusingly, they were also announced as being from "WCW Special Forces", though evidently no one else was ever known to be from this group. Don't get me wrong, both were physical specimens to be sure, Todd standing 6'6" and weighing 290, with Chip a huskier 5'11" / 245.

The problem was that they pretty much sucked. After being pushed to the er...moon (read: U.S. tag champs), the dynamic duo lost the titles to Steve Armstrong and Tracey Smothers - The Young Pistols. Yes, at this point, the writing was on the wall.

Have no fear, faithful reader - yes, I'm talking to all one of you...we would not go to such lengths without a ridiculous video clip. So here I give you the Patriots beating up a couple of jobbers. If nothing else, Sam Cody may win my vote for greatest jobber ever. Who the heck is doing color commentary?

The Red Rooster

Deep inside the halls of the World Wrestling Federation a conversation took place in 1988 between a young aspiring wrestler named Terry Taylor and Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  We can only speculate that it went something like this. "Terry, you know what the WWF is missing?  What could really take us over the top?  A wrestling chicken."  The mere fact that the young Taylor didn't get up and leave right then and there only proves he himself may have been "half-cocked."  See what I did there?  Nonetheless the Red Rooster was born.

It wasn't all that bad because it did give us this gem of a promo:

What, you mean an interview where you admit that your competition is tough, you get knocked down a lot and you crow like a rooster isn't going to put you over with the fans?  Huh, coulda fooled me.

Surprisingly enough the Red Rooster began his WWF run in 1988 as a heel managed by Bobby Heenan under the gimmick that he was novice wrestler that had to take move by move advice from The Brain.  Of all the aspects of gimmick this actually might have been the most believable.  In 1989 the Rooster dumped Heenan and began a face turn that would lead him to super-stard.......mid-card sta.......jobberville.  A victory over Heenan at Wrestlemania V was the peak of his career as he left the WWF in 1990, had a brief stint in WCW then became an announcer and eventually Director of Talent Relations to TNA wrestling.

We leave you with this Red Rooster/Mr. Perfect match from 1989 including a run-in by another potential Junk Drawer honoree, the Brooklyn Brawler.