Ultimate Warrior is Back!

Ultimate Warrior to be inducted into WWE Hall of Fame. Hell has indeed frozen over.

Greatest Wrestling Signs

There are certain things you can always count on when attending a wrestling PPV.  Overpriced t-shirts, intoxicated "marks" and cardboard signs.  Lots of them.  We at Shoot That S have made and seen our fair share of favorites over the years:

Eddy Guerrero Mows My Lawn

RAW is Better (at a Smackdown! show)

Quit Rollin' (in reference to Undertaker's terrible Limp Bizkit entrance music)

Diarrhea 24/7  (subtle)

Golddust Raped my Dad


To name a few.  Here are some more gems we found.

An ode to Kramer?

Brilliant camera angle...

Ok, not wrestling but still awesome.

Orton still can't get any love.

Bad News Brown vs. Michael Jenkins

Is it just me or does Michael Jenkins, WR from the Minnesota Vikings look a lot like former WWF wrestler Bad News Brown?

We think it's pretty uncanny.  In fact, the name actually fits too.  I know every time this Vikings fan tunes into a Vikes game and sees that Michael Jenkins is starting at WR the most natural response is to mumble "well, this is bad news..."

Bad News Brown had a finisher called the Ghetto Blaster (see below) while Michael Jenkins has the remarkable ability to turn a 4 yard catch into, well, a 4 yard catch.

What if you did take a trip to Cobb County, GA??

"If you ever take a trip down to Cobb County, Georgia.
You better read the signs
Respect the law and order.
You'll serve hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too.
If you're looking for trouble he'll be coming after you.
You'll serve hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
You'll be serving hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
You'll be serving hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
Hard times.
Hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time."


So I was humming the theme to the Big Boss Man the other day (don't judge me) and thought to myself - what IF someone were to take a trip to Cobb County, GA?  I mean, Georgia is part of the sunny South right? It's probably pretty nice this time of year.  I began to wonder if this part of the country was as straight-laced and borderline militant as the Big Boss Man would have me believe.  I thought I should probably do some homework and what better place to start than the Cobb County web site .

According to their web site, Cobb County is "Low on taxes, big on business."  No mention of Hard Time, hmmmm.  I also noticed that Marietta, GA was the county seat and also the hometown of one Marcus "Buff" Bagwell.  Clearly "Buff the Stuff" didn't walk the line...

"Serving hard time.."

 







As I continued to peruse the Cobb County website I stumbled across their tourism page, perfect!  Now I can really plan my vacation.  The best of Cobb section of the page says that I can visit "Stone Mountain, the World of Coke, and the Georgia Aquarium."  Wait a minute.  Stone Mountain is where Jake the Snake Roberts is from.  World of Coke?  Is Jake Roberts' house a tourist attraction? 

 I don't know if they should be advertising drug use...oh it's world of Coca-Cola....that makes more sense.  I was worried for a second there.

I found the Cobb County police department page, let's see if they pay tribute to the Big Boss Man.  Looks like they're hiring. I see they offer a competitive salary and excellent benefits.  No mention of allowing you to carry a big stick or a ball and chain too.  Disappointing.  A message from Chief John Houser totes his employees as "dedicated, well-trained, and enthusiastic professionals who take pride in their work."  That seems rather soft.  I click on their Most Wanted page - no mention of Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Mr. Perfect, the Heenan family or crimes against Big Boss Man's mama.  They must've given up on those cases....

Even their Fallen Heroes page makes no mention of the Big Boss Man (tragically Ray Traylor, who played the Big Boss Man, died in 2004 of a heart attack).

In fact despite putting that county on the map it appears they have disowned the Big Boss Man completely.  On second thought, I don't think I can take a vacation to a place willing to turn their back on someone so devoted to law and order.

We leave you with a Big Boss Man classic....

      

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan quotes

http://zodiblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/bobbyheenan_display_image.jpg

In the humble opinion of Shoot That S! when it came to pro wrestling commentary there was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and then there was everybody else.  At his peak when paired with Gorilla Monsoon calling WWF matches in the 80s and 90s they could turn even the most dull match into must see TV.  Here are a few of Heenan's gems. (source: http://www.pwwew.net/quotes/heenan.htm)

*the views expressed by Bobby the Brain Heenan are not representative of the views of this blog.*






"A friend in need is a pest."

"What happened there? My monitor went out."

"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"

Gorilla: "Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are."
Bobby: "You're kidding."

Heenan: " That's either the flock or the who's who of skid row."
Schiavone: " Maybe both."

(After saying something smart)
"Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?"

"If you ever had your moon salted you'd know how painful that could be."

(after Juventud Guerrera took off his mask)
"Maybe that's Okerlund under there?" and later. . .
"Now when he delivers pizza, everyone will know who he is."

(Talking about the Narcissist Lex Luger's elbow)
"He's had more hits than Elvis."

"You know what slows down Typhoon? Twinkies--Hostess Cupcakes."

(Talking about Typhoon)
"He uses his weight advantage at dinner."

"Doink is like Jell-o: there is always room for more."

"It's a dog eat dog world, and Mr. Perfect is a Milk Bone."

(When Bob Backlund is entering the arena)
"At 234 pounds, from Mayberry, Opie Taylor."

"North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

Jim Ross: "Hey everybody can't be born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have a chauffeur named Jennifer, who told me she hasn't had a raise in several months."
Bobby Heenan: "She said that?"
Ross: "Yes"
Heenan: "She's fired. I'll unload her like I found her. Do you need a job on the weekends?"
Ross: "I'm a little busy on the weekend"
Heenan: "Oh that's right, you just drive pickup trucks."

"Stu Hart trained all his kids--only three of them use the litter box."

(Talking about the Guerrero family)
"Their family is watching this at home wondering if the wheels are going to get stolen off their house.

(Chris Benoit was wrestling a fake midget Rey Mysterio, Jr.)
"I know who that is. It is the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials."

Terry Schiavone: "I smell Jackhammer. I smell Hogan."
Bobby Heenan: "Anyone close to him does."

Heenan: "You call them Luchadores?"
Tenay: "Luchadores."
Heenan: "That sounds like the tight pants that you wear at a bullfight."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero)
"He's the only guy I know that has a stable of stick horses."

"If you're poor and you do something stupid, you're nuts. If you're rich and do something stupid, you're eccentric."

"You know you put too many lemons in your lemonade when you pucker too much."

Tony Schiavone: "Scott Hall is looking a little better this week."
Bobby Heenan: "It's only Monday."

"There's another way to look at this: there are 153 Villanos wrestling."

(Talking about Chris Jericho)
Lee Marshall: "He is an ego maniac."
Bobby Heenan: "But he's good at it!"
Lee Marshall: "Good observation Brain."
Bobby Heenan: "That's why I'm called the Brain. And that's why I'm here on the Brain Station, TBS."

(Talking about Raven)
Bobby Heenan: "I wonder what his childhood was like: was he from wealthy parents, was he neglected, or was he spoiled?
Tony Schiavone: "Who cares?"
Heenan: "I do!"

Bobby Heenan: "Some nights the Villanos sit around the fire with popcorn and their masks on."
Tony Schiavone: "I hate you!"

(Talking about Alex Wright)
"His mother told me when he was eight months old he sat up in his crib and said 'Headlock.' "

(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"The job is only half done. If they want to shrink his head, they already shrunk his haircut."

(Talking about Yokozuna on the day before Thanksgiving)
"505 pounds and maybe more after tomorrow."

"There is good news and bad news about Rey's shirt, The bad news is the shirt don't fit him, the good news is all the luchadores are moving in"

"There trying to say he just put the figure three on him self."

"If it wasn't for Mrs. Gurrero's chili they wouldn't have invented Rolaids."

Bobby Heenan: "That's not the first time he's been on the ground holding his stomach."
Tony Schiavone: "Huh?"
Bobby Heenan: "Obviously you've never had any of Mrs. Gurrero's chili."

"If you were smart you could have made a Duralog out of Pepe."

(crack at the Bushwhackers)
"The city of New York could legally condemn them."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Pendulum swings."
Bobby Heenan: "Like a pendulum do."
Gorilla Monsoon: "is that a tune?"
Bobby Heenan: "Why do you hear music?"
Gorilla Monsoon: "No."

(Talking about Jim Niedhart)
"Now he's the sane one of the team?"

(Jim Niedhart looks into the camera and laughs)
"I think his headband is on too tight on the Anvil's head. I see I'm right."

"That shirt: It's like sinus infection green."

Tony Schiavone "I'm sure a liar has to make a living like everyone else."
Bobby Heenan "That's why we're here."

(Talking about Ralphus's dress)
"Obviously some cheap motel is missing a shower curtain."
"How could you not turn your attention to Ralphus; he's quite the looker."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero, Jr.)
"He's never been the same since he lost Mr. Ed."

Bobby Heenan: "And don't forget Mickey Jay. He's a second generation, too."
Tony Schiavone: "Who's his father?"
Bobby Heenan: "He's not a wrestling referee. He ref'ed a pee-wee football league back in the '40's."

(Talking about Rey Mysterio, Jr. before he unmasks)
"I think he's ugly. What do you guys think?"

(After Rey Mysterio, Jr. unmasks)
"It's Leave it to Beaver!"

"You should just get beat up for having a last name Whipneck."
(Talking about Mikey Whipwreck)
"Do you think that when Mikey was a kid, was he his parents' little whipper-snapper?"

"Tony, it looks like your room at the Motel 3."

(Talking about Will Sasso from Mad TV)
"We're watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neuman out there."

(Talking about Will Sasso's outfit)
"Do you know what the number 73 means? That's the number of double cheeseburgers he had from 4 - 5."

"I smell a title change, or is it you Tony?"

Bobby Heenan: "I figured out who the Patriot is."
Tony Schiavone: "Who?"
BH: "Where is he from?"
TS: "Washington, DC."
BH: "It's Al Gore."

Mike Tenay: "He's got Roman numerals on his trunks."
Bobby Heenan: "His numerals shouldn't be roamin'."

Mike Tenay: "What took us so long to come to Chapel Hill?"
Bobby Heenan: "We couldn't find it."

(Talking about Tony Schiavone)
"Next week I'll be on the Cartoon Network with pictures of your last date."

(Talking about Jim Duggan)
"He's has a disadvantage when he wakes up."

"What good is shaking your hands? If you want to shake something, put your hands together and wrap them around your opponent's head."

"I remembered when Tony came to WCW. He took the mask off and his career skyrocketed."

"You spend nine years in a hardcore punk band--of course you'd be deaf."

Mike Tenay: "Just who is the leader of the nWo?"
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tony Danza comes out."

(During a hardcore match)
"These two move more furniture than Mayflower."

Tony Schiavone: "Don't try this in your backyard."
Bobby Heenan: "Do it in your living room, it is much more fun. Or maybe in Tony's living room, he'll never know."

"What has Saturn got on? Mudflaps?"

(Booker T makes his own count for the win)
"That wouldn't work. You gotta have a guy dressed like a zebra for that."

"Just the other day I was talking to Cal Ripken, Jr. and he asked me 'Do they pay Tony?' "

"And for those of you that dropped out of high school, remember the famous phrase: 'Do you want fries with that?' "
"I don't have el zippo, I don't even smoke or have a lighter!"

(Talking about Hulk Hogan and pyrotechnics)
"At least he doesn't have to worry about his hair catching on fire."

Jim Ross: "Tremendous ovation for Hacksaw Jim Duggan."
Bobby Heenan: "I don't know why!"

"Kidman's like a broken drum: hard to beat."
"You don't need a vacuum cleaner out here: he's cleaning house himself."

(If Kidman lost the hair vs. mask match)
"What a great new tag team: The Okerlunds"

(Referring to the First Family, who were wearing masks, at Halloween Havoc)
"Jimmy Hart told me they would be wearing masks to the ring. I'm wondering why aren't they."

Tony Schiavone: "I never even knew Evan Karagias was here."
Bobby Heenan: "I never know where he is and don't care."

"Is everyone from Texas nuts, or are we just lucky to see the ones we do?"

Tony Schiavone: "Pardon me."
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not the governor."

Gorilla Monsoon: "He might have some relatives here.  He's looking around."
Bobby Heenan: "He's looking for the exit: the quick way out."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Texas Tornado could sustain permanent brain damage if it's kept on for much longer."
Bobby Heenan: "Then again it could increase his IQ by 9 points.  That would make an even 10."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The corner of the steps hit him in the trapezius."
Bobby Heenan: "That's what they use in the circus."

Tony Schiavone: "That's one of the tings that makes this sport great."
Bobby Heenan: "No I'm one of the things that makes this sport great!"

(Referring to Tony Schiavone)
"That's "The Brain" right there. -And that's the other part of the anatomy"

The Red Rooster

Deep inside the halls of the World Wrestling Federation a conversation took place in 1988 between a young aspiring wrestler named Terry Taylor and Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  We can only speculate that it went something like this. "Terry, you know what the WWF is missing?  What could really take us over the top?  A wrestling chicken."  The mere fact that the young Taylor didn't get up and leave right then and there only proves he himself may have been "half-cocked."  See what I did there?  Nonetheless the Red Rooster was born.

It wasn't all that bad because it did give us this gem of a promo:

What, you mean an interview where you admit that your competition is tough, you get knocked down a lot and you crow like a rooster isn't going to put you over with the fans?  Huh, coulda fooled me.

Surprisingly enough the Red Rooster began his WWF run in 1988 as a heel managed by Bobby Heenan under the gimmick that he was novice wrestler that had to take move by move advice from The Brain.  Of all the aspects of gimmick this actually might have been the most believable.  In 1989 the Rooster dumped Heenan and began a face turn that would lead him to super-stard.......mid-card sta.......jobberville.  A victory over Heenan at Wrestlemania V was the peak of his career as he left the WWF in 1990, had a brief stint in WCW then became an announcer and eventually Director of Talent Relations to TNA wrestling.

We leave you with this Red Rooster/Mr. Perfect match from 1989 including a run-in by another potential Junk Drawer honoree, the Brooklyn Brawler.

 

Yo Baby Yo Baby....NO!!!

When Paul Neu (cleverly titled "P.N. News") debuted in WCW in 1991, you could tell he was destined for mid-card mediocrity. Evidently the head honchos at Turner thought a swell idea would be to make a "rapmaster" dress not only in a backwards cap and some gold chains, but also some extremely tight-fitting colorful spandex for his 400 lb frame. Yes, if Akeem and Vanilla Ice had a baby, you are looking at him.

To the delight of exactly no one, P.N. would come to the ring rapping. His trademark phrase would be "Yo Baby, Yo Baby, Yo", which pretty much kept the crowd firmly in their seats. Per Wikipedia, P.N. also "botched his Broken Record finisher during a match against Dave Sheldon, where he splashed Sheldon's knees instead of his torso, effectively ending Sheldon's career". Needless to say, P.N.'s days in WCW were numbered shortly thereafter.

And yet.....when someone with the "ability" of P.N. is paired in a match with Rick Rude, great things can still happen, as evidenced by this clip. Fortunately, Rude intervenes before the trademark phase comes up in the rap. Can't decide what I love more: that P.N. is billed as being from Motown, or his rat-tail.

Here's to you P.N.! You've been inducted into the honorary Shoot That S wrestling junk drawer!

Kevin Nash: Moments of Greatness

A man who ran a comic book store near my house once famously told me that "Kevin Nash couldn't wrestle himself out of a paper bag."  While his assessment of Nash's in-ring ability was probably spot-on, "Big Sexy" somehow played his massive size and backstage political ability into multiple championships in WWF and WCW.

Perhaps our favorite Kevin Nash moment was the video below from his second run in WWE.  After a 8 month long absence from the ring because of a torn biceps he made his triumphant return on Monday Night Raw to participate in a 10 man tag-team match.  What you are about to see is his first action in the ring, watch closely, it goes quick.  Fitting that this injury occurred while wrestling alongside two wrestlers he once called "vanilla midgets," the late Chris Benoit and Eddy Gurrero.

(Remember, this is the clown who WCW pegged to end Goldberg's "streak.") 

 

Powers Collectibles Nash Kevin Nash Kevin- 5584 (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Wrestlefest: the Arcade Game

If you were a kid growing up with the dawn of video games and spent your Saturday mornings watching the superstars of professional wrestling then the perfect combination was the arcade game known as Wrestlefest.

Released by Technos in 1991, the peak of the WWF heyday, the game let you pick from 10  wrestlers plus the "boss" tag team of the Legion of Doom, Hawk and Animal.  It was the first wrestling game to offer the Royal Rumble feature which allowed you to run through a stack of quarters while battling the entire roster of wrestlers.

As a kid fully immersed in the world of WWF make-believe, the game had everything.  It was a huge step up from the early wrestling games on Nintendo with grainy graphics and indiscernible characters and moves.  Wrestlefest had comic book style graphics that made each character jump off the screen.  Their graphic artists managed to do even the impossible of making Earthquake and Jake "the Snake" Roberts appear ripped.  This for two guys that if you met them outside of the ring you could have sworn they were two of the bad guys in Patrick Swayze's movie Roadhouse.

You tell me, does that look like the Quake and Snake or what??

Not to mention that the game included the real voices of "Mean" Gene Okurlund and WWF ring announcer Mike McGuirk.  Gameplay wasn't rocket science meaning you didn't need to be a Zelda expert to get it.  In fact if you liked just mashing buttons this game was for you.  Most versions I encountered had at least one jammed button and and the rest covered in a film of orange soda.

In 1992 my family took a family vacation to Disney World in Orlando, FL.  My memories should have included rides at Epcot, MGM or Universal Studios but instead perhaps the most vivid was playing Wrestlefest at an arcade in the Magic Kingdom and kicking out of Ted DiBiase's "Million Dollar Dream" sleeperhold as the Ultimate Warrior on no power and my last quarter.  The game stands the test of time and we homage to it here at Shoot That S.

Pro Wrestling Junk Drawer : The Heavenly Bodies

The 1992-94 era of pro wrestling was forgettable in many respects.  Unless you loved terrible gimmicks and bland story lines.  Then this era was your cup of tea.  It was during this era that both WCW and WWF agreed to deals with Jim Cornette's Smokey Mountain Wrestling to allow members of the SMW appear at their pay-per-views.  Two such members were "Doctor" Tom Pritchard and "Gigolo" Jimmy Del Ray.  Together they formed the tag team known as the Heavenly Bodies.  Cornette proved his worth as a salesman getting PPV matches for two guys that resembled registered sex offenders and wore fake angel wings to the ring. 

Del Ray wearing angel wings and rubbing his fat belly.

In 1993 the Bodies appeared at WCW's Superbrawl III against fellow SMW tag team, the Rock N Roll Express.  Later that year they had a run in WWF, losing to the Steiner Brothers at SummerSlam 93 and then defeating the Rock N Roll Express at Survivor Series 93 as part of another inter-promotional match with SMW.



Sadly, with the collapse of the SMW in 1995 the Heavenly Bodies would disband.  Pritchard returned to the WWF as Zip of the Bodydonnas tag team while Del Ray continued to wrestle independently.

"Doctor" Tom sure traded up...

We leave you with this treat of a match that pretty much signified the WWF of the early to mid 90s.  The Heavenly Bodies vs. 123 Kid and Aldo Montoya.

Already Over?

What was your favorite Kardashian/Humphries moment?

a) Their honeymoon trip around the world, with stops in Mexico, Monaco, Miami, and Bora Bora?

b) Kim making a heart out of her hands while attending a Nets' game? (The man behind her clearly finds it touching...)

c) The party to celebrate Kourtney's B-day that produced this gem?

d) Humphries' teammates calling him "Kate Middleton" after the wedding?

e) The actual wedding, which displayed Kris Jenner's delightful "bow dress"?

f) The fact that these things lasted longer than the happy couple's marriage?
     Texas Tornado's reign as WWF Intercontinental Champion in the early 90's
     Titanic as #1 movie in America
     OJ's murder trial
     Tim Pawlenty's campaign for president
     Their own engagement
     A bad case of mono
     Summer break

Can't say we saw this one coming...thought it was meant to last.

Sorry Kris.

The 50 Greatest Wrestling Costumes of All Time

http://www.complex.com/style/2011/08/the-50-greatest-wrestling-costumes-of-all-time#1

Pleased to see Akeem, Rude, and Savage all make the top ten...

Wrestlemania VI Revisited

You ever have one of those days where you wake up and wonder when you became an adult?  Like someone stole your Summer Vacation when you weren't looking and replaced it with boring 9-5 all day every day?  Well, I had one of those days recently.  I was walking through a department store making my way to the hardware department to find some part to fix some random thing that of course had broken down when I had least expected it.  And then I saw it.  In the Toy section, sitting on the bottom shelf of the "action figures" aisle.  An Ultimate Warrior/Hulk Hogan WWF classic figurine set from their showdown at Wrestlemania 6.

My wardrobe back to Narnia?

In a flash I was transported back 20 years to my neighborhood West Coast Video store and the countless times I had made a beeline to the Sports/ Special Interest section to peel away the Big Buck Game Hunter series and  Debbie Austin workout tapes to find the old classic Coliseum Video WWF pay-per-views.   And the many days I begged and pleaded with my Mom to let me rent said videos only to be denied.  Until one lucky afternoon, when the dam finally broke and a copy of Wrestlemania 6 made it up to the register and home to Suburbia, unlocking a world of larger than life characters, good vs. evil, face paint and spandex, and the great Gorilla Monsoon calling it all.  Seeing those action figures I knew what I must do.  And because I have friends who are equally as nerdy as I am I was able to procure a VHS copy (yes, that's right, VHS) of Wrestlemania 6.

So, here I am.  Attempting to tap back into my childhood.  Making every effort to re-create the days gone by I sit down with a medium, hand-tossed pepperoni pizza, a box of Mike & Ike's, and a Diet Mountain Dew. (Ok, I have to draw the line somewhere.)  In pops the tape and I sit back to enjoy "approx. 3 hrs" of childhood bliss. 

I always loved the beginning to any WWF video and the multiple commercials for the WWF action figures and ring.  What kid didn't drool in his Saturday morning cereal over the action figures "so close to the real thing, its like being in the ring?"  I think I had these ads memorized.

Every kid's dream.

Next, a WWF merchandise catalog commercial starring The American Dream Dusty Rhodes.  Really??  They couldn't find anyone else to pitch their products?  Maybe someone without a giant lssssssppppp.  What, was Mr. Fuji double booked?  Well, at least we know now what Dusty was doing when everyone else was hitting the gym.


A video montage depicting Warrior and Hogan as constellations in the stars with Vince McMahon crooning "champion vs. champion, title for title, its Wrrrreesssttttllmaaannnia!!!"  I am officially geeked out.

We cut to the Toronto Skydome and a giant banner with the Wrestlemania VI logo.  Because everyone knows all really cool PPVs are spelled in Roman numerals.  Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse "the Body" Ventura on commentary.  Does it get any better than this?

Who's driving this thing?

We open with the "Birdman" Koko B Ware against the "Model" Rick Martel.  I forgot about the mechanical ring cars that transported the wrestlers to the ring for this PPV.  What ever happened to those?   And how can I buy one?  Back to the match.  Martel is sporting an incredible perm.  They just don't make wrestling villains like this anymore.  Sneak attack by Martel.  Of course.  Birdman rebounds and starts some strange flapping motion.  No one in the locker room ever told him this looks ridiculous?   

I think even the bird is embarrassed.

It doesn't last long as Martel scores the victory with the Boston Crab.





Well, we have our first title match of the evening with the Tag Team Champions, the Colossal Connection defending against Demolition.  The Connection is made up of an aging Andre the Giant, a somewhat talented Haku and Bobby "the Brain" Heenan as the manager.  Heenan is by far the best thing going in this match.  I never really got the whole Demolition thing, great face paint don't get me wrong, but these guys really can't wrestle.  Its all downhill once they hit the ring.  Haku is carrying this match as he's the only guy with more than 3 moves in his arsenal...including what Gorilla tells me is a trapezius nerve hold but actually looks like an inviting deep tissue massage.  Things I accepted as truth as a kid  This one goes south for the Connection after Andre is accidentally kicked in the face by Haku and Demolition are your new Tag Team Champions.

Next up is the Earthquake vs. Hercules.  My initial prediction is 90 seconds for this one.  Let's see if  Hercules can prove me wrong.  He's trying desperately to win over the crowd but it isn't happening.  My guess is it has something to do with the tiny undies he is sporting.  I mean, c'mon I'm trying forget that what I'm watching is essentially a bunch of dudes rolling around in their skivvies.   

Hey Herc, how bout we leave a little to the imagination huh?

 
I'll give the guy a little credit, he puts up a better fight than anticipated and actually lasts about 3 mins.  Earthquake scores the win after his vertical splash and lands a couple more post match just for good measure.







Now I'm genuinely excited for this next match as it has one of my all-time favorite "bad guy" wrestlers (and STS top 10 wrestling heel), Mr Perfect.  Even as a kid I could appreciate his gimmick.  The towel, the swatting of the gum and the great tagline of "nobody beats Mr. Perfect, nobody."  Tonight he gets Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake who has by far the biggest mullet in all of the WWF.

Look at that thing!

Gorilla comments that Beefcake comes in with tights that "looks like a hand grenade went off in his pocket."  And he's wearing pink.  And he hails from San Francisco.  And his name is Beefcake.  Could it be?  Nah.  This one gets off to a great start as Pefect can sell a move like no one else.  He makes it look like Brutus has super-human strength, tossing him around the ring like a rag doll.  Shot of Mary Tyler Moore sitting at ringside, Gorilla claims she's a big Brutus fan...I have my doubts.  We're now reached the point of every Mr Perfect match where his hair looks like he stuck a finger in a light socket so I know this one is coming to its conclusion.

Borrowing Polamalu's shampoo I bet

Somehow Beefcake scores the upset and I'm actually pretty disappointed.  The good news is that Perfect gets away without losing any of his blond locks but the Toronto crowd is treated to Mr Perfect's manager, the Genius, getting his head trimmed instead.

No caption needed here...

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs "Bad News" Brown in what both Gorilla and Jesse promise will be a street fight.  Uh-oh.  Looks like Piper is coming to the ring half painted black and yep, he just started doing the jive in the middle of the ring.  (Bad News is African-American by the way)  This can't be politically correct.  Somewhere in Stamford, CT there's a phone ringing...hopefully.  No matter, the 60,000 plus in attendance seem to be enjoying it.  What a progressive nation Canada is.  The train wreck continues as we are treated to punching, kicking, eye gouging and even a white Michael Jackson-like glove pulled from Roddy's trunks.  Everything you'd expect from a 3 Stooges episode.  If the Stooges were racist that is.  Its all over after both Piper and Brown are counted out while brawling outside the ring.  I head to the fridge for another Diet Mountain Dew.

Well, while I was away at the fridge I missed what turned out to be the fastest match in Wrestlemania history.  The Bolsheviks, standing to sing the anthem of the USSR, were ambushed by the Hart Foundation and subsequently pinned.  Poor communists, just can't catch a break.

Time for a change of pace.  And no one changes pace like Tito Santana.  Tonight he gets to lose to...er I mean wrestle the Barbarian.  As the match begins Jesse suggests "Chico" should've sent the Barbarian some

Ouch

Mexican food with the hope of inducing a count out.  Check another nationality off the list of people groups offended so far.  About 3 minutes in Tito gets his head taken off by a Barbarian clothesline and this one is over.  Maybe next year Tito.
 

Really?  I mean really?

Next up is a Wrestlemania first.  An inter-gender tag team match featuring The "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire vs. "Macho King" Randy Savage and Queen Sherri.  I've already alluded to my disdain for Dusty Rhodes.  The polka dots?  None of his fellow wrestlers were like "hey Dusty, how bout you wear something that doesn't look like you made it out of old garbage bags.  Also, we lift weights sometimes.  Not sure if you knew that."And the theme song- "he's just a common man, working hard with his hands."  Huh?  At least it has some cowbell.  Jesse starts in early with the fat jokes on Dusty and Sapphire, referring to Sapphire as a little "bottom heavy."  Hehe.  The match itself is actually fairly entertaining, mostly because Savage can make anyone look good.  Even stuck in this match he brings his "A" game.  Some good back and forth between the teams, some more fat jokes from the commentators and Rhodes/Sapphire pick up the win after an assist from Miss Elizabeth who just happened to be sitting ring side. 

We cut to interviews with Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior.  This is why this era of the WWF was so great.  Warrior and Hogan were characters straight from the pages of a comic book.  Larger than life.  These two really knew how to build a character and market it to the masses.  I think it still translates today.

I mean, what's not to love?

And now to one my childhood favorites, the Rockers.  Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty.  I'm not really sure what drew me to them as a youngster.  Was it the high-flying moves?  The long, flowing mullets?  The bedazzled jean jackets?  Anyhoo.  I still maintain they could wrestle circles around some of the more popular teams of this era.  Tonight they get the Orient Express, managed by Mr. Fuji.  Two teams that can actually wrestle, I'm looking forward to this one.  The match begins with some high-flying moves and great shots of Sato's dirty beard.  Mr. Fuji gets involved early, hooking the top rope causing Jannetty to tumble outside the ring. 

You be the judge.

Again with the nerve hold.  Are all Asian wrestlers required to do this?  An interesting moment develops as Jannetty gets a hold of Fuji's cane and begins to advance toward him outside the ring.  Instantly 60,000 Toronto fans are on their feet cheering the potential beating of a senior citizen with his own walking stick.  You stay classy Canada.  But wait, what's this?!  Salt in the eyes of Jannetty by Sato causing Marty to stumble over the guard rail into the crowd.  Orient Express wins via count out.  Curses!

In this case a picture says two words...maybe

In the next bout I am treated to what will surely be a clinic on the finer points of technical wrestling.  Dino Bravo vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan.  As I watch these two in the ring, Dino running circles and Hacksaw pretending his two by four is a rifle, I can't help but wonder if there's a shorter tour bus that brings these two from city to city.  Does that make me a mean person?  
Dino Bravo is dubbed as the "Canadian Strongman."  Whenever your gimmick is a combination of your nationality and the fact that as a professional wrestler you are strong, you know the marketing folks back at WWF headquarters didn't waste a lot of manpower on your character.  Thankfully this match is pretty short with Duggan getting the win but taking a beating at the hands of Bravo's partner-in-crime, the Earthquake, after the match.

Another one of the matches I was really looking forward to.  The "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase vs. Jake "the Snake" Roberts.  Both had beautifully crafted characters.  Roberts wouldn't win any beauty contests but he played the brooding and shifty character perfectly.  And the crowd ate it up.  Meanwhile DiBiase might be the greatest wrestling villain ever.  The suits, the cash, the theme song.  "Cause I'm the Million Dollar Man and I ALWAYS get my way!! Mwahahahaha!"  The match starts with a fast pace.  DiBiase delivers a great pile driver and taunts the crowd while working over Roberts.  The crowd is really into this one, finally waking up from the Dusty Rhodes induced slumber (I just can't help myself).  Roberts bounces back and the crowd begins to call for the DDT which has got to be one of the top 5 finishers of all time.  Plus, it was delivered on many unsuspecting friends and siblings growing up...could be the reason play dates were so hard to come by.  But of course that sneaky DiBiase stooge Virgil gets involved and Jake gets counted out.  But Roberts gets in a post-match DDT on the Million Dollar Man and proceeds to give some of Ted's cash to fans in the front row.  I wonder what the exchange rate was in 1990...

Let's press our bellies together

I now get the privilege of watching Akeem vs. the Big Boss Man.  Formerly the tag team known as the Twin Towers, in reality they look like they ate two members of the Village People.  Interesting start to this one with the aforementioned Million Dollar Man hiding under the ring from the previous match only to jump the Big Boss Man and beat him senseless.  The rest of the match happened because I witnessed it but it sucked and therefore does not deserve mention.  Boss Man won...I think.
                                             

This gimmick didn't work?

And its officially bathroom break time as Rythm N Blues, made up of the Honky Tonk Man and Greg "the Hammer" Valentine are rolling to the ring in a pink Cadillac to sing their new single.  I return from the john to find Honky and the Hammer singing something about "Hunka love."  Honky seems to be enjoying himself while Valentine looks genuinely uncomfortable.  I don't think he knows the words and he just pretended to do a Chuck Berry style guitar solo on an acoustic guitar and stopped playing before the piped in solo was finished.  The only thing worse than his guitar playing may be his wrestling.  I'm pretty sure one of Dante's stages of hell is watching Dusty Rhodes/Greg Valentine matches on loop.  The Bushwackers interrupt the show but no one in the crowd knows who they are so Honky announces them like they're following him on stage or something.  *Sigh*

Tom Sellick- eat your heart out

Thankfully "Ravishing" Rick Rude is up next.  What a genius this guy was.  And wow is he looking put together for this match.  I probably shouldn't have typed that.  Look, I'm not saying that as a young boy I donned my mother's bath robe, plugged in my brother's karaoke machine, and told the neighbors to "cut the music."  But I'm also not saying I didn't.  The only disappointment with this match is that Rude has to try and carry Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka through it.  He tries his best though, flying all over the ring and overselling every lame Snuka backhand chop just to try and make Superfly look competent.  A classic wrestling mistake by Snuka, shooting Rude into the ropes and then ducking his head, turns the tide in this one.  (Clutch- where are you?)  Ravishing finishes him off with the Rude Awakening neck-breaker to get the win.

Epic

Well, I hear the Ultimate Warrior's music hit and I know its time for the Main Event.  The match that put me in awe of the world that was the WWF.  I'm honestly excited to see if it still stands the test of time.  Both of these guys can make an entrance.  Has there ever been a Wrestlemania main event to top this one?  Methinks not.  The tension is palpable as both men square off the middle of the ring and hand over their respective titles to the referee.  A couple of shoves, a lockup and here we go.  Early on we see the classic "test of strength" or as Gorilla calls it the "Greco-Roman knucklelock."        

Both guys take turns winning and then we see a couple of stalemated shoulder blocks followed by the infamous "criss-cross" running the ring ropes.  After trading body slams the match appears to be dead even and the Toronto Skydome is jacked up.  I have officially been transported back to my childhood.  Warrior takes the early advantage after Hogan injures his knee landing outside the ring.  Hogan rebounds and even breaks out a few technically savvy moves.  Was that really a front face lock followed by a small package?  And yes I'm describing a wrestling match...get your mind outta the gutter.  Admittedly a life-long Warrior fan I'll give the Hulkster his due here.  He's putting together a slow, deliberate match.  Warrior powers back and the crowd still seems split 50-50 in their allegiance.  The two collide in the middle of the ring with a double clothesline, a move much harder to replicate in a suburban basement than on TV I'll have you know.  Both guys gradually get up and Warrior goes into his patented rope shaking with Gorilla announcing that he is "impervious" to pain.  Even the Warrior puts together a suplex followed by a bear-hug.  Where is all this coming from?  Back comes Hogan now and the referee gets knocked out.  Both guys land big moves but    

Warrior with the Gorilla Press Slam!

 can't secure the win with the ref out of commission.  The Skydome is really on edge now.  And the Warrior does what I didn't think possible and nails his famous Gorilla Press Slam on the heavyweight champ.  Amazing.  There's the big splash from the Warrior that has won him countless matches and it should be all over now.  But no!  Hogan kicks out!  He begins his classic "hulking up" bit, shaking his tiny little flock of blond hair follicles.  Uh-oh, its the finger point by Hogan, the three punches followed by the big boot to the face of the Warrior.  As a child I knew what happens next in this sequence of every Hulk Hogan match.  He would hit his famous leg drop and get the win.  My heart was in my throat as a watched Hogan bounce off the ropes and go for the leg drop.  But to my shock and amazement Warrior moves out of the way at the last second, bounces off the ropes and hits his own big splash on Hogan!  One....two....three!!  The Ultimate Warrior is the new WWF Heavyweight champion! Hogan leaves the ring to grab his title, hands it the Warrior and raises his hand in victory.  "A true champion" echo Gorilla and Jesse.  Fireworks explode and the Warrior celebrates his victory.

Still the best.

So there you have it.  You sat shotgun on my trip back to yesteryear.  A time where the WWF ruled the Saturday morning airwaves with their comic book style heroes and villains, inspiring a suburban kid to color his face with Crayola markers, tie shoestrings to his arms and battle his friends until Mom sent everyone home from dinner.  And its still as priceless as ever.