Monday, September 26, 2011

Along Came A Spider

So, I just came back from a test of my manhood.  And I think I passed with flying colors.  Now, let me just say this STS contributor is no fan of spiders.  I mean I hate them.  Really hate them.  I understand that they're really not that harmful, perhaps helpful even.  It doesn't matter.  I kill every last one that ever makes the mistake of showing its ugly face.  And I do so with long instruments and the shrieks of an 8th grade girls field trip to a Justin Bieber concert.

Which brings me to tonight.  A couple weeks ago I notice a lot of cobwebs around the entry way to our house and began to clean them off with a broom.  Then I saw it.  He was a big one.  I don't know what kind of spider and I don't really care to.  He looked to be the size of a silver dollar (in reality probably only a quarter...maybe.) But he looked he could come at me like Jeff Daniels in Arachnophobia.  So I did what any male head of household would do.  I told my wife to go inside, grabbed a golf club and a filled squirt bottle of water and went after him.  Does water kill spiders?  I doubt it because after emptying the entire bottle in my front entry way he limped into a crack in the siding.  I was pretty sure that he died later on though.  Fast forward two weeks, my wife and I come back from a walk and she says "I thought you cleaned off all those cobwebs."  "I did clean them," I said.  "And killed this big spider too."  "You mean that big spider?" she says pointing to the aforementioned arachnid perched on our light looking to pounce and potentially drain the blood of any future dinner guest.  Well, its on now my friends.  With a mixture of 60% panic, 20% queasy, 10% chilly willies, and 10% heebie jeebies I punched in the code for the garage and chose my weapons.  All the while I have scenes from Predator playing in my head.  You know that scene where Mac goes crazy and runs off after the predator talking to himself and saying "he's gonna have me some fun?"

I return with a half-used bottle of Ultrathon and my push broom to find that the spider has bailed from his perch on the light and I can't see him!  No matter, I think to myself, this Ultrathon stuff is supposed to keep bears away right? I bet it can kill a measly spider.  So I proceed to give a nice dusting to the South corner of my entry way.  Does Ultrathon cause damage to aluminum siding....  After two fits of coughing from inhaling the stuff I follow the siding around the corner to find the spider has slipped through a crack and is now scurrying across my garage lip.  What's left of the Ultrathon forces him back into his hole and me back into the garage.  I re-group with a golf club and the previously mentioned water bottle loaded up.  I can see him scurrying into the dark recesses of his hole so I grab a step ladder to get a better peak.  I unleash the fury of my water squirt bottle this time picturing Quint from Jaws "we're gonna bring him and drown him, we're gonna bring him in to the shallows and drown him."

As I'm emptying my squirt bottle into the spider's lair I realize this isn't good enough.  I need to be sure this time.  I need his body.  So I return to garage to find something small enough to poke into the crack and get at his disgusting little form.  The flat edge of my Sand Wedge?  Too fat.  A small piece of pipe from our Ladder Golf set?  Still too big.  By the way did I mention that we live next to a 55+ living complex?  Like right next to it?  There's literally about 45 windows aimed directly at the front of our house.  Well, I'm on my second pair of hedge trimmers and have finally found something thin and sharp enough to jab into the crack above the garage.  Now, as I'm repeatedly jabbing the shears into the crack, relishing in the crunching sensation of the tool hitting home, muttering "die you scum" under my breath I suddenly hear a small voice coming from behind me say "Mommy, what's he doing?"  I stop and turn to find a girl resembling Cindy Lou Hoo and her twin sister staring at me wide-eyed as they walk up the sidewalk towards the rear entrance of the senior living center.  Slightly out of breath I step off the ladder and lower the shears.  The mom says, "I don't know honey, let's go visit Grandma" and they hurry inside.  But even this moment of public embarassment can't steal the welling of pride I feel inside me.  I have defended my homestead and vanquished my enemy.  Triumphantly, I return inside to assure my maiden that all is quiet on the countryside and tonight's banquet of Trader Joe's orange chicken and rice can now be served.


Monday, September 19, 2011

Funny Sports Name of the Week

Back again this week with another bizarre sports name.  This week's winner: Ego Ferguson.  It sounds like the RS Frosh DT from LSU is pretty high on himself.....

Also, his father's name is Ego.  I'm pretty sure the Fergusons will be challenging the O'Doyles for interstellar domination sometime in the near future.

Knibb High Football Rules!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Top Ten Wrestling Faces (1987-1991)

Continuing the theme of a previous post available here, the top 10 wrestling faces (i.e. "good guys") of 1987-1991*:

10) Tito Santana - I know what you're thinking...this list sucks already. But hear me out. Between 1987-1991, Tito was co-holder of the tag-team belts with Rick Martel, and then went on to great feuds with Martel and Mr. Perfect. A sexy pick? Definitely not. Exciting ring music? Not really. But "Chico" could be counted on for a mildly entertaining match with just about anyone, and was over with the fans.

9) "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan - Like some on this list, this ranking is 90% based on popularity; not so much actual wrestling ability. An American patriot who rallied up the crowd with chants of "Hoooooo" and "U.S.A!", while hiking his blue tights up to near chest-level. Was usually put in a feud to get squashed or at least double-DQ'd (see: Andre the Giant, Bad News Brown, Dino Bravo, Earthquake, Macho King Randy Savage, Big Bossman, etc). However, Duggan entertained crowds, had entertainingly stupid ring music, and like Santana, was buddies with the Hulkster, earning him high marks with the crowd and a place on this list.


8) Roddy Piper - Clearly beginning to see why I liked heel wrestlers better during this time period. Piper could entertain on the mic, and again, was loved by the fans. A better "wrestler" than some on this list to be sure, but maybe that's not saying a whole lot. Probably a better heel in the mid-80's than he was a face, but still many entertaining moments. Kind of funny that he first announcement of retirement came in 1987.

7) The Rockers - Shawn and Marty loved to party hardy, and although they won them briefly, it kept them from ever being serious tag title contenders. Along with a few select others, set the bar for "high-flyers" in the federation. Unfortunately for Marty, Shawn became ridiculously popular once he dropped his long-time buddy.  The homemade outfits were always a nice touch.

6) Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake - Continuing our theme of "guys who used a friendship with Hulk to their advantage", Brutus parlayed himself into main-event status at times (see SummerSlam 89). Often wore clothing that was probably not suitable for young children (tho Okerlund seems to enjoy here, haha), but the mullet more than made up for it. This might be the best clip ever - I think the studio audience may have walked out prior? 

5) The Hart Foundation - A great heel team that turned good face team in the late 80's. Bret Hart could put on a good match with just about anyone, and Neidhart had a unique combination of power with some agility. I include them in this list because they were faces longer than heels during this period. Didn't have the "wow" factor of some other teams, and overshadowed by Demolition, but solid all along. Neidhart's swim cap and goatee were great.


4) Demolition - Another team that went from heels to faces during this time period. Unlike the Harts, I thought it was for the better. Although their ring gear was something out of a Pulp Fiction scene, and was pretty much a rip-off of the Road Warriors, Demolition had the fans rocking whenever they marched to the ring. The face paint and entrance music were among the best ever - though the offensive repertoire left much to be desired. Probably more popular than they should have been, but that's besides the point. Posting this match, mostly just because I love to watch Akeem dance...

3) The Ultimate Warrior
- Jim Helwig was such an interesting personality. The tassels, the face paint, the energy, the rope shaking. Yet, we also had the crazy interviews, the ego, the legal name change to "Warrior" and of course, the speech at UConn. Inside the ring however, Warrior knew how to excite the crowd. Essentially was the original Goldberg, squashing most opponents in quick fashion. Not a personal favorite, but I'll give him his due. Great feuds with Rick Rude, Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan, Heenan Family, etc.

2) Jake "The Snake" Roberts - Probably the greatest wrestler to never win a championship. Had mic skills that were unmatched, and carried on amazing feuds with Rick Rude, Rick Martel, Andre the Giant, Earthquake, Honky Tonk Man, and Ted DiBiase. #1 in understanding the psychology of wrestling, and #2 probably isn't close.

1) Hulk Hogan - Pretty obvious choice, despite not holding the title as much during this time period compared to others. Number 1 in popularity, and feuded with everyone. Ring moves were pretty basic, but could surprise with moves like a superplex from time to time. Egotistical? Yes. Liked to share the spotlight? No. But you can't think of wrestling heroes during this time period without his name coming up first. A no-brainer.

* My list does not include wrestlers outside of WWF, as I feel it was clearly the dominant federation at the time.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Vikings Fans Step Up!

Attention all STS'ers!  As Vikings fans its time to make our voice be heard.  We want a new stadium and to be finally rid of the overgrown toilet that is the Metrodome.  Contact your local Representative or stop by to voice your support.

Skol Vikings!