Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Super Mario??

Ever wonder what Super Mario did with all those gold coins?

Why, he bought the Jacksonville Jaguars of course!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Vanilla Ice and the Minnesota Timberwolves March 30, 2012 - Its going to be a good night.

Vanilla Ice will be performing at halftime of the Timberwolves game on Friday, March 30.  It would be funny if Vanilla Ice came out and performed "new material" and didn't perform his 1 mega hit, "Ice, Ice, Baby!."  It would be even more funny if came out and talked about his reality television show on the Do It Yourself Network and walked off.  This halftime show will be a upgrade from the typical mascot dunking, plate spinning lady, juggling guy, uni-cycle rider, or rubberboy. 

Did the Timberwolves stumble on to something here?  They should book one-hit wonders for all Friday night home games.  Rick Astley anyone?  MC Hammer? 

Why Tim Duncan Didn't Play

Friday, March 16, 2012

Worst Sports Day Ever

(written by a STS writer that just happens to be a Duke basketball, Florida football, and hopeless Minnesota pro sports fan)

What's worse than watching your beloved Duke Blue Devils lay a Lehigh-sized egg in the first round of the NCAA tournament?

How bout remembering that you were too smart to take Duke to the title this year in your bracket so you instead went with Missouri? 

Or realizing that your favorite NBA team is still run by a bunch of knuckleheads who would rather collect the gate revenue from one playoff game (after losing the first two on the road to OKC) than clear future cap space by dumping Luke Rinour?  Yes, Wolves fans our bar is so low that Ridnour and Mike Beasley are assets hard to part with....

"Part with Luke Ridnour?  Methinks not."

But its NFL free agency and hope springs eternal.  So what is your favorite Purple team doing with its $23 million in cap space?  Making a play for a top tier WR or CB?  Nope, instead we're signing guys that didn't even play college football but can run fast.  The whole football thing you can learn on the fly though right?

"You're telling me he didn't play football in college?  Its so crazy it HAS to work!"

Or maybe the worst part of today was reading about how your favorite college football QB turned Denver Bronco is about to have his magical run cut short by horseface John Elway and Peyton Manthing.

Sometimes a guy just can't catch a break....

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Top Minnesota Timberwolves Trade Deadline Deals

With the NBA Trade Deadline at 3:00 pm EST today, we list the top Deadline moves by the Minnesota Timberwolves.  Here’s to you Jack McCloskey, Kevin McHale, and David Kahn. 
(Newspaper archives from Seattle Times (it was the only free archives I could find)

7. February 23,1994: Luc Longley for Stacey King.

6. February 22, 1996: Christian Laettner  and Sean Rooks for Andrew Lang and Spud Webb

5. January 26, 2006: Wally Szczerbiak, Michael Olowokandi and Dwayne Jones for  Ricky Davis, Marcus Banks, Mark Blount, and Justin Reed.
4. February 21, 2002: Dean Garrett and 2nd Round Pick for Marc Jackson

3. January 21, 1999: Michael Williams, the rights to center Zeljko Rebraca and a future first- round draft pick  for Bobby Jackson and Dean Garrett.

2. February 18,1998: Doug West for Anthony Peeler

1. Feb 18, 1995: Donyell Marshall for Tom Gugliotta

Monday, March 12, 2012

Where Are They Now: Cast of The 'Burbs

When Entertainment Weekly recently released their "Where Are They Now?" list of great former casts, it struck us that a rather large omission was made. Despite a paltry 46% on Rotten Tomatoes, and a slightly higher 6.2 on IMDB, The 'Burbs and it's fantastic cast rank right up there with our favorite comedies.

Yes, yes. Everyone knows that Tom Hanks (Ray Peterson) traded in his pajamas and paranoia for two Oscar wins and several more nominations...probably worth it. But what about the others? What are they up to? Have they continued to live the good life since Mayfield Place?

Carrie Fisher:

Playing Ray's not-so understanding wife Carol, Carrie was hot off the heels of her long-time relationship with Paul Simon and role as Princess Leia. However, the years to come would lead Fisher into a world of drug abuse, as well as a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Hmm, we're not off to a good start.

Memorable 'Burbs Quote: "You were up at the crack of dawn watching a dog poop."

Bruce Dern: 

The paramilitaric neighbor with the hot wife, Lt. Mark Rumsfield may in fact be one of the greatest characters ever to hit the big screen. The father of actress Laura Dern, Bruce has had a number of small roles/projects over the past years, and we are ecstatic to hear that he was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2010.

Memorable 'Burbs Quote: "In Southeast Asia we'd call this kind of thing bad karma"

Rick Ducommun:

The 6'5" Canadian actor and comedian has since appeared in The Hunt for Red October, Jury Duty, and Scary Movie but, unlike his portrayal of Art Weingartner, has stayed pretty quiet since 2004. He lives with his wife and 3 kids in Ontario. Clearly he would have been available had EW even bothered to call.

Memorable 'Burbs Quote: "You know what the deal is? We gotta go down to the religious supply store. We gotta get a couple of gallons of holy water. My cousin Gary is a priest. He can get us a deal!"

Corey Feldman:

Your wife's favorite 80's heartthrob played Ricky Butler, a neighbor who evidently was house sitting for his parents? We're still not sure.  Corey is now the lead singer of the band The Truth Movement, testified against Michael Jackson in 2005, and in 2012 joined the UK skating show Dancing on Ice. Not a bad 23 years Corey. Not bad indeed...

Memorable 'Burbs Quote: "Hey Mrs. Rumsfield, no tan lines. Looks nice."

Henry Gibson:

Unfortunately, Henry died in 2009, which is probably why a cast reunion never took place. You may recognize Henry from his role as Father O'Neil in Wedding Crashers. He died a week before his 74th birthday. Rest in peace Dr. Klopek.

Memorable 'Burbs Quote: "We took the house from them. I offered to buy it, but you know how old people are. They grow so attached to things."

Courtney Gains:

Although Hans Klopek didn't say much, he was an integral part of the plot: tipping off the neighbors that something was wrong by driving the trash to the end of the driveway, and just looking creepy in general. Courtney has since appeared on Seinfeld and My Name is Earl, as well as Sweet Home Alabama. Gains has also worked on an acting coach (*oh the irony*).

Memorable 'Burbs Quote:
Mark Rumsfield: Rumsfield's the name. Don't believe I caught yours, sonny?
Hans Klopek: H-H-Hans.
Mark Rumsfield: Oh-ho! Hans! A fine Christian name. Hans Christian Anderson! What are you, Catholic?

There you have it folks. Who needs EW anyway?

We leave you with this...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Best Time of the Year

What a great time for sports. With the Gophers winning their first round game of the Big 10 tourney today, the pieces are falling into place nicely for Minnesota sports fans.

Exhibit A: the Minnesota Timberwolves. Kevin Love is putting together all-world numbers, averaging 36.6 and 14.3 over his last three. The T-Wolves are the hottest ticket in town, thanks to JJ Barea's new interpretation of "The Sprain". A little birdie even told us that ratings are sky high over at FSN North - as long as one can stomach Tom Hanneman's asinine one-liners.

"That's the power of Love!!"
"Only Love will keep us alive!!"
"Love me tender!!"
"I believe in a thing called Love!!"
"The look of Love is in your eyes!!"
"All you need is Love!!"
"Tainted Love!!"
"Saving all my Love for you!!"
"A groovy kind of Love!!"
"I'd do anything for Love!!"
"Can't buy me Love!!"
"You can't hurry Love!!"
"Love will keep us together!!"

Minnesota fans are also licking their chops in anticipation of Roger Goodell's fury against the New Orleans 'Taints. Roger surprised many by attending the Vikings' pre-pre-pre-draft party sponsored by Sports Authority, evidenced by this photo we have obtained. On his day off, Roger was seen gallivanting near Lake Calhoun with two devoted readers of Shoot That S. 

Then of course we have March Madness, and the crapshoot that will occur this year....I just lost my train of thought as I am watching Orlando @ Chicago on TNT, and see Scottie Pippen sitting with the Orlando team, literally on their bench. Is he a coach? No, he's dressed in a khaki sport coat. Is that where his season tickets are located? Is he getting paid to share dirt so he can buy more airplanes? Kevin Harlen commented on it. I thought he was bankrupt, can he even afford those seats? What the eff is going on here?!?

Where was I? Yes, March Madness, and then on to baseball season, both real and fantasy. We here at Shoot That S aren't overly optimistic about the Twins this season, though the Glen Perkins extension was a steal, and if you Google "Jamie Carroll", the Twins' shortstop actually comes up one time in the top 10 results, which is more than I initially thought. Until 5 minutes later when you have to go back and edit your post when you realize that he actually spells his name "Jamey Carroll"...

Capping off the spring will be the NFL Draft. Goodell will be making our picks this year, which should help. We here at Shoot That S attempted to get a comment from Matt Kalil, but we may have inadvertently woke him up from his massage...sorry Matt.

Here's to a great next couple of months Minnesota fans!!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Top 10 guys that real guys hate

Here are the dudes that annoy us, bother us, or we just plain want to punch in the face.  In ascending order of dislike.

10. Alex Rodriguez
Reason: He ditched the small market Mariners for Texas and then the Big Apple so that makes him a sellout in our book.  And then he took steroids.  And then he had Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn on national TV.  Yeah, we pretty much hope you fail all the time.

9. Joe Buck
Reason: There's a lot not to like here.  From his smug arrogance, his spray on tan and even his open admission that he "really doesn't watch or like sports that much."  Joe- you're the announcer we all groan upon hearing at the start of our favorite football game.

8. Anyone who has ever appeared on the Bachelor
Reason: c'mon dudes, seriously?  They should round all of you up and send you to France.  Besides, Joe Millionaire was waaaayy better.

Milk people- what were YOU thinking??

7. Jared from Subway
Reason: Look, I'm sure you're a nice enough guy.  But the fact that Subway is cramming you down our throats like one of their new fresh melts makes us sick.  We get it, you were fat and now you're not.  Congrats, now go away.

6.  HeHateMe
Reason: Otherwise known as Rod Smart, he made a name for himself during the first season of Vince McMahon's failed XFL.  Rod, we don't really hate you but it made sense to include you on the list.  And coming up with 10 people is harder than we thought...

                                                           5.  Bradley Cooper
Reason: You were awesome in Wedding Crashers as Sack but then you went all long-haired pretty boy on us.  And then you starting making chick flicks and were in that terrible A-Team movie.  You've got some work to do to make it up to us.

4.  That vampire guy from the Twilight movies
Reason:  we don't know your name and we don't want to.  You and your pale face and all your teenage angst.  We don't get why your movies are so popular but we do know that when you're still milking the teenage vampire bit when you're in your 50s its going to be really creepy.
3.  Ryan Seacrest
Reason: He's just so tiny and tan, he looks like a Ken-doll.  We think he's made of wax.  And yet, he dates all these hot chicks.  Hot chicks - what gives?!

2.  Mark Sanchez
Reason: Maybe its because he went to USC.  Or because he plays for the Jets, the NFL team that has replaced the Dallas Cowboys as over-reported and overrated.  But the guy comes across like an entitled baby and we love watching him wilt in the big game.  Sorry Mark, its just business, nothing personal.  


1.  Matthew McConaughey
Reason:  Let's be honest, the guy has played the same character in every movie since A Time to Kill. We get it, you're from Texas.  And for the love of everything holy can you please stop taking off your freaking shirt!  Ok, we'll give you credit, Reign of Fire was pretty sweet  but that was because it took us half the movie to figure out it was you!  Stop making these dumb chick flicks, working out on the beach (what, there isn't a Lifetime Fitness in Malibu?), and if we see one more of those dumb Brut cologne ads in our Sports Illustrated we're calling the cops.  Congrats Matthew you turned our hearts black and you take the shirtless cake of guys we hate the most.