10 things I learned from watching Snow White and the Huntsman

In an effort to appease my better half I decided to pick up Snow White and the Huntsman over the weekend. I thought, a little fairy tale, a little action - something for everyone right?  What I'm about to divulge are 10 things I learned from watching this movie. 

*Note: spoilers contained below.  If you were actually planning on watching this movie you probably don't belong reading this blog....  However, if you are an avid reader of Shoot That S I apologize.  Check out our latest entry into the Pro Wrestling Junk Drawer- you'll like it so much better than this movie.  Trust me.





10 Things I Learned from watching Snow White and the Huntsman:


10. Take an old fashioned fairy tale + a dash of Twilight + a bit of Lord of the Rings = a pretty crappy movie.

9.  Wasn't this the movie where Kristen Stewart hooked up with the director and ruined her relationship with what's-his-name?  Makes sense because I'll you one thing she wasn't doing on set: acting.

8. Of course the evil queen has a perverted brother who serves as her second-in-command.  Unfortunately he also shares the same haircut as the dude from that horrible Bucky movie.  Poor choice makeup and hair design director. Poor choice indeed.

7.  Note to self: if I ever become a super-villain and I have the chance to wipe out the rightful heirs to my throne early on - take advantage of that window of opportunity.  Do not under any circumstances lock the true king/queen/prince in a tower in my castle for years and pretend to forget about them.  That never works.

6.  Note to self part II: if you ever run into a beautiful maiden in the woods do not, I repeat DO NOT marry her the next day.  Also, sign a pre-nup that includes something about her not being able to kill me on our wedding night.

5.   Who names a kid Snow White?  Is "White" her middle name?  Seems pretty redundant if you ask me.  Duh, snow is white.  That would've been rough on the playground growing up.

4.  Wait, Bob Hoskins plays one of the Seven Dwarfs in this movie?  Man, that makes me wanna watch Hook.  Smee, Smee what about Smee?  

3.  Speaking of the Dwarfs, since when are Bob Hoskins, Ray Finestone and Ian McShane all little people?  They couldn't find actual little people to play these roles?  Do we have a shortage of pint-sized actors?  Maybe they were all on the Hobbit movie...

2.  You know what always works against an invincible evil Queen who can suck the life from you and turn into a pack of ravens?  Stabbing her with a tiny knife.  Because everyone knows that tiny knives are the best thing since sliced bread.

1.  According to IMDB they are gonna make a sequel.  That reminds me, I need to send in my screen play about a guy who takes a giant crap on camera.  Coincidentally, my movie will also star Kristen Stewart.

What if you did take a trip to Cobb County, GA??

"If you ever take a trip down to Cobb County, Georgia.
You better read the signs
Respect the law and order.
You'll serve hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too.
If you're looking for trouble he'll be coming after you.
You'll serve hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
You'll be serving hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
You'll be serving hard times.
You'll be serving hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time.
Hard times.
Hard times.
You know the Big Boss Man will make you walk the line.
You better watch out boy or you'll be serving hard time."


So I was humming the theme to the Big Boss Man the other day (don't judge me) and thought to myself - what IF someone were to take a trip to Cobb County, GA?  I mean, Georgia is part of the sunny South right? It's probably pretty nice this time of year.  I began to wonder if this part of the country was as straight-laced and borderline militant as the Big Boss Man would have me believe.  I thought I should probably do some homework and what better place to start than the Cobb County web site .

According to their web site, Cobb County is "Low on taxes, big on business."  No mention of Hard Time, hmmmm.  I also noticed that Marietta, GA was the county seat and also the hometown of one Marcus "Buff" Bagwell.  Clearly "Buff the Stuff" didn't walk the line...

"Serving hard time.."

 







As I continued to peruse the Cobb County website I stumbled across their tourism page, perfect!  Now I can really plan my vacation.  The best of Cobb section of the page says that I can visit "Stone Mountain, the World of Coke, and the Georgia Aquarium."  Wait a minute.  Stone Mountain is where Jake the Snake Roberts is from.  World of Coke?  Is Jake Roberts' house a tourist attraction? 

 I don't know if they should be advertising drug use...oh it's world of Coca-Cola....that makes more sense.  I was worried for a second there.

I found the Cobb County police department page, let's see if they pay tribute to the Big Boss Man.  Looks like they're hiring. I see they offer a competitive salary and excellent benefits.  No mention of allowing you to carry a big stick or a ball and chain too.  Disappointing.  A message from Chief John Houser totes his employees as "dedicated, well-trained, and enthusiastic professionals who take pride in their work."  That seems rather soft.  I click on their Most Wanted page - no mention of Bobby "the Brain" Heenan, Mr. Perfect, the Heenan family or crimes against Big Boss Man's mama.  They must've given up on those cases....

Even their Fallen Heroes page makes no mention of the Big Boss Man (tragically Ray Traylor, who played the Big Boss Man, died in 2004 of a heart attack).

In fact despite putting that county on the map it appears they have disowned the Big Boss Man completely.  On second thought, I don't think I can take a vacation to a place willing to turn their back on someone so devoted to law and order.

We leave you with a Big Boss Man classic....