Free Dez Bryant!

There aren't many things that get us riled up here at Shoot That S! but crimes against pro athletes just might be one of them.  So, you can imagine our reaction upon the news the Dallas Cowboys have instituted the "Dez Bryant" rules in an attempt to curb Mr. Bryant's allegedly inappropriate off the field behavior.

Not only does poor Dez have to attend bogus counseling sessions twice a week (ask Tom Cruise if these work )  but my man has to give up alcohol, have a midnight curfew, and be followed around by a security detail monitoring his every move.

But the kicker has to be the ridiculous clause that prevents Dez Bryant from going to the strip club.  I mean, c'mon man!  How dare you take away a man's right to make it rain.  The club is Dez's world, his home, his essence.  You take Dez Bryant out of the strip club and you take away his "Dez-ness."  And if You, Me & Dupree taught us anything it's that you can't function without your "Dez-ness."  Dez Bryant may not be throwing seven different types of smoke but he might be throwing seven different types of currency.  Lickity Split! 

We can only hope that the NFL Players Association is putting together their army of attorneys as we speak to come to Dez Bryant's aid.  Because if Jerry Jones can take away an NFL player's right to the strip club what does he have left?!  The good news is that this fight is not over.  Dez Bryant backs down from no man.  Or woman.  Or his mother. 

Keep fighting the good fight Dez Bryant.  Keep fighting.  Just not after midnight on a work night...or after drinking...or at the club....and whatever you do don't tell your psychologist. 

These Guys Actually Played?! - Basketball Edition

Because everyone loves a good nerdy athlete.  Our third installment in the These Guys Actually Played catalog.  Here are the other two:  Part I   Part II

Even the Zen Master wasn't immune...

I love Lamp

Apparently Teen Wolf did actually turn pro

Ok Mike, big smile now on one.....two....thrrr*click

Pit Stop

I looked it up, he's a real person.  I swear.

Yo Baby Yo Baby....NO!!!

When Paul Neu (cleverly titled "P.N. News") debuted in WCW in 1991, you could tell he was destined for mid-card mediocrity. Evidently the head honchos at Turner thought a swell idea would be to make a "rapmaster" dress not only in a backwards cap and some gold chains, but also some extremely tight-fitting colorful spandex for his 400 lb frame. Yes, if Akeem and Vanilla Ice had a baby, you are looking at him.

To the delight of exactly no one, P.N. would come to the ring rapping. His trademark phrase would be "Yo Baby, Yo Baby, Yo", which pretty much kept the crowd firmly in their seats. Per Wikipedia, P.N. also "botched his Broken Record finisher during a match against Dave Sheldon, where he splashed Sheldon's knees instead of his torso, effectively ending Sheldon's career". Needless to say, P.N.'s days in WCW were numbered shortly thereafter.

And yet.....when someone with the "ability" of P.N. is paired in a match with Rick Rude, great things can still happen, as evidenced by this clip. Fortunately, Rude intervenes before the trademark phase comes up in the rap. Can't decide what I love more: that P.N. is billed as being from Motown, or his rat-tail.

Here's to you P.N.! You've been inducted into the honorary Shoot That S wrestling junk drawer!

Kevin Nash: Moments of Greatness

A man who ran a comic book store near my house once famously told me that "Kevin Nash couldn't wrestle himself out of a paper bag."  While his assessment of Nash's in-ring ability was probably spot-on, "Big Sexy" somehow played his massive size and backstage political ability into multiple championships in WWF and WCW.

Perhaps our favorite Kevin Nash moment was the video below from his second run in WWE.  After a 8 month long absence from the ring because of a torn biceps he made his triumphant return on Monday Night Raw to participate in a 10 man tag-team match.  What you are about to see is his first action in the ring, watch closely, it goes quick.  Fitting that this injury occurred while wrestling alongside two wrestlers he once called "vanilla midgets," the late Chris Benoit and Eddy Gurrero.

(Remember, this is the clown who WCW pegged to end Goldberg's "streak.") 

 

Powers Collectibles Nash Kevin Nash Kevin- 5584 (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Wrestlefest: the Arcade Game

If you were a kid growing up with the dawn of video games and spent your Saturday mornings watching the superstars of professional wrestling then the perfect combination was the arcade game known as Wrestlefest.

Released by Technos in 1991, the peak of the WWF heyday, the game let you pick from 10  wrestlers plus the "boss" tag team of the Legion of Doom, Hawk and Animal.  It was the first wrestling game to offer the Royal Rumble feature which allowed you to run through a stack of quarters while battling the entire roster of wrestlers.

As a kid fully immersed in the world of WWF make-believe, the game had everything.  It was a huge step up from the early wrestling games on Nintendo with grainy graphics and indiscernible characters and moves.  Wrestlefest had comic book style graphics that made each character jump off the screen.  Their graphic artists managed to do even the impossible of making Earthquake and Jake "the Snake" Roberts appear ripped.  This for two guys that if you met them outside of the ring you could have sworn they were two of the bad guys in Patrick Swayze's movie Roadhouse.

You tell me, does that look like the Quake and Snake or what??

Not to mention that the game included the real voices of "Mean" Gene Okurlund and WWF ring announcer Mike McGuirk.  Gameplay wasn't rocket science meaning you didn't need to be a Zelda expert to get it.  In fact if you liked just mashing buttons this game was for you.  Most versions I encountered had at least one jammed button and and the rest covered in a film of orange soda.

In 1992 my family took a family vacation to Disney World in Orlando, FL.  My memories should have included rides at Epcot, MGM or Universal Studios but instead perhaps the most vivid was playing Wrestlefest at an arcade in the Magic Kingdom and kicking out of Ted DiBiase's "Million Dollar Dream" sleeperhold as the Ultimate Warrior on no power and my last quarter.  The game stands the test of time and we homage to it here at Shoot That S.