Bobby "The Brain" Heenan quotes

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In the humble opinion of Shoot That S! when it came to pro wrestling commentary there was Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and then there was everybody else.  At his peak when paired with Gorilla Monsoon calling WWF matches in the 80s and 90s they could turn even the most dull match into must see TV.  Here are a few of Heenan's gems. (source: http://www.pwwew.net/quotes/heenan.htm)

*the views expressed by Bobby the Brain Heenan are not representative of the views of this blog.*






"A friend in need is a pest."

"What happened there? My monitor went out."

"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"

Gorilla: "Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are."
Bobby: "You're kidding."

Heenan: " That's either the flock or the who's who of skid row."
Schiavone: " Maybe both."

(After saying something smart)
"Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?"

"If you ever had your moon salted you'd know how painful that could be."

(after Juventud Guerrera took off his mask)
"Maybe that's Okerlund under there?" and later. . .
"Now when he delivers pizza, everyone will know who he is."

(Talking about the Narcissist Lex Luger's elbow)
"He's had more hits than Elvis."

"You know what slows down Typhoon? Twinkies--Hostess Cupcakes."

(Talking about Typhoon)
"He uses his weight advantage at dinner."

"Doink is like Jell-o: there is always room for more."

"It's a dog eat dog world, and Mr. Perfect is a Milk Bone."

(When Bob Backlund is entering the arena)
"At 234 pounds, from Mayberry, Opie Taylor."

"North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?

Jim Ross: "Hey everybody can't be born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have a chauffeur named Jennifer, who told me she hasn't had a raise in several months."
Bobby Heenan: "She said that?"
Ross: "Yes"
Heenan: "She's fired. I'll unload her like I found her. Do you need a job on the weekends?"
Ross: "I'm a little busy on the weekend"
Heenan: "Oh that's right, you just drive pickup trucks."

"Stu Hart trained all his kids--only three of them use the litter box."

(Talking about the Guerrero family)
"Their family is watching this at home wondering if the wheels are going to get stolen off their house.

(Chris Benoit was wrestling a fake midget Rey Mysterio, Jr.)
"I know who that is. It is the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials."

Terry Schiavone: "I smell Jackhammer. I smell Hogan."
Bobby Heenan: "Anyone close to him does."

Heenan: "You call them Luchadores?"
Tenay: "Luchadores."
Heenan: "That sounds like the tight pants that you wear at a bullfight."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero)
"He's the only guy I know that has a stable of stick horses."

"If you're poor and you do something stupid, you're nuts. If you're rich and do something stupid, you're eccentric."

"You know you put too many lemons in your lemonade when you pucker too much."

Tony Schiavone: "Scott Hall is looking a little better this week."
Bobby Heenan: "It's only Monday."

"There's another way to look at this: there are 153 Villanos wrestling."

(Talking about Chris Jericho)
Lee Marshall: "He is an ego maniac."
Bobby Heenan: "But he's good at it!"
Lee Marshall: "Good observation Brain."
Bobby Heenan: "That's why I'm called the Brain. And that's why I'm here on the Brain Station, TBS."

(Talking about Raven)
Bobby Heenan: "I wonder what his childhood was like: was he from wealthy parents, was he neglected, or was he spoiled?
Tony Schiavone: "Who cares?"
Heenan: "I do!"

Bobby Heenan: "Some nights the Villanos sit around the fire with popcorn and their masks on."
Tony Schiavone: "I hate you!"

(Talking about Alex Wright)
"His mother told me when he was eight months old he sat up in his crib and said 'Headlock.' "

(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"The job is only half done. If they want to shrink his head, they already shrunk his haircut."

(Talking about Yokozuna on the day before Thanksgiving)
"505 pounds and maybe more after tomorrow."

"There is good news and bad news about Rey's shirt, The bad news is the shirt don't fit him, the good news is all the luchadores are moving in"

"There trying to say he just put the figure three on him self."

"If it wasn't for Mrs. Gurrero's chili they wouldn't have invented Rolaids."

Bobby Heenan: "That's not the first time he's been on the ground holding his stomach."
Tony Schiavone: "Huh?"
Bobby Heenan: "Obviously you've never had any of Mrs. Gurrero's chili."

"If you were smart you could have made a Duralog out of Pepe."

(crack at the Bushwhackers)
"The city of New York could legally condemn them."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Pendulum swings."
Bobby Heenan: "Like a pendulum do."
Gorilla Monsoon: "is that a tune?"
Bobby Heenan: "Why do you hear music?"
Gorilla Monsoon: "No."

(Talking about Jim Niedhart)
"Now he's the sane one of the team?"

(Jim Niedhart looks into the camera and laughs)
"I think his headband is on too tight on the Anvil's head. I see I'm right."

"That shirt: It's like sinus infection green."

Tony Schiavone "I'm sure a liar has to make a living like everyone else."
Bobby Heenan "That's why we're here."

(Talking about Ralphus's dress)
"Obviously some cheap motel is missing a shower curtain."
"How could you not turn your attention to Ralphus; he's quite the looker."

(Talking about Chavo Guerrero, Jr.)
"He's never been the same since he lost Mr. Ed."

Bobby Heenan: "And don't forget Mickey Jay. He's a second generation, too."
Tony Schiavone: "Who's his father?"
Bobby Heenan: "He's not a wrestling referee. He ref'ed a pee-wee football league back in the '40's."

(Talking about Rey Mysterio, Jr. before he unmasks)
"I think he's ugly. What do you guys think?"

(After Rey Mysterio, Jr. unmasks)
"It's Leave it to Beaver!"

"You should just get beat up for having a last name Whipneck."
(Talking about Mikey Whipwreck)
"Do you think that when Mikey was a kid, was he his parents' little whipper-snapper?"

"Tony, it looks like your room at the Motel 3."

(Talking about Will Sasso from Mad TV)
"We're watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neuman out there."

(Talking about Will Sasso's outfit)
"Do you know what the number 73 means? That's the number of double cheeseburgers he had from 4 - 5."

"I smell a title change, or is it you Tony?"

Bobby Heenan: "I figured out who the Patriot is."
Tony Schiavone: "Who?"
BH: "Where is he from?"
TS: "Washington, DC."
BH: "It's Al Gore."

Mike Tenay: "He's got Roman numerals on his trunks."
Bobby Heenan: "His numerals shouldn't be roamin'."

Mike Tenay: "What took us so long to come to Chapel Hill?"
Bobby Heenan: "We couldn't find it."

(Talking about Tony Schiavone)
"Next week I'll be on the Cartoon Network with pictures of your last date."

(Talking about Jim Duggan)
"He's has a disadvantage when he wakes up."

"What good is shaking your hands? If you want to shake something, put your hands together and wrap them around your opponent's head."

"I remembered when Tony came to WCW. He took the mask off and his career skyrocketed."

"You spend nine years in a hardcore punk band--of course you'd be deaf."

Mike Tenay: "Just who is the leader of the nWo?"
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tony Danza comes out."

(During a hardcore match)
"These two move more furniture than Mayflower."

Tony Schiavone: "Don't try this in your backyard."
Bobby Heenan: "Do it in your living room, it is much more fun. Or maybe in Tony's living room, he'll never know."

"What has Saturn got on? Mudflaps?"

(Booker T makes his own count for the win)
"That wouldn't work. You gotta have a guy dressed like a zebra for that."

"Just the other day I was talking to Cal Ripken, Jr. and he asked me 'Do they pay Tony?' "

"And for those of you that dropped out of high school, remember the famous phrase: 'Do you want fries with that?' "
"I don't have el zippo, I don't even smoke or have a lighter!"

(Talking about Hulk Hogan and pyrotechnics)
"At least he doesn't have to worry about his hair catching on fire."

Jim Ross: "Tremendous ovation for Hacksaw Jim Duggan."
Bobby Heenan: "I don't know why!"

"Kidman's like a broken drum: hard to beat."
"You don't need a vacuum cleaner out here: he's cleaning house himself."

(If Kidman lost the hair vs. mask match)
"What a great new tag team: The Okerlunds"

(Referring to the First Family, who were wearing masks, at Halloween Havoc)
"Jimmy Hart told me they would be wearing masks to the ring. I'm wondering why aren't they."

Tony Schiavone: "I never even knew Evan Karagias was here."
Bobby Heenan: "I never know where he is and don't care."

"Is everyone from Texas nuts, or are we just lucky to see the ones we do?"

Tony Schiavone: "Pardon me."
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not the governor."

Gorilla Monsoon: "He might have some relatives here.  He's looking around."
Bobby Heenan: "He's looking for the exit: the quick way out."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The Texas Tornado could sustain permanent brain damage if it's kept on for much longer."
Bobby Heenan: "Then again it could increase his IQ by 9 points.  That would make an even 10."

Gorilla Monsoon: "The corner of the steps hit him in the trapezius."
Bobby Heenan: "That's what they use in the circus."

Tony Schiavone: "That's one of the tings that makes this sport great."
Bobby Heenan: "No I'm one of the things that makes this sport great!"

(Referring to Tony Schiavone)
"That's "The Brain" right there. -And that's the other part of the anatomy"

Flatulence Stats

Yep, we went there. 

According to Wikipedia flatulence is "the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals." 

But wait, there's more:

• Chemical makeup of the average fart: 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen.
• The average person passes gas 14 times per day
• If you fart constantly for 6 years, 9 months and 23 days you would produce enough gas to explode an atomic bomb.
• A Cow farts enough each day to fill 30 party balloons.
• Farts exit the body at approximately 10 km/hour
• The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. 
• The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
• Contrary to a popular misconception, fart noise is not generated by the flapping of the butt cheeks. 
• Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.
• Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.
• A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
• Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming.

• Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. 
   
   
   (Sources: "Facts on Farts" by Breanna Lorenz along with many other web sites you will never want to visit...)
   
   
   
   
  
  
  
  
   
   
  
  
   

Adrian Peterson

Adrian Peterson is owned by 1.5% of teams in ESPN Fantasy Football Leagues.

Not this Adrian Peterson:

This Adrian Peterson:

Who is currently a street free agent.  He also looks like Whoopi Goldberg.

This means there were some guys in fantasy leagues that where really suprise that Adrian Peterson was still available and thought:
1.) "AP is still available this late in the draft!"
2.) "AP is available on my waiver wire!"

We will update in a few weeks and see if these people figure out that they have Whoopi Adrian Peterson and not Vikings Adrian Peterson and the ownership falls to the appropriate level of 0%.

The Patriots - Fighting for Freedom from This Gimmick

Reaching deep into the bowels of WCW's dark days (i.e., 1991-1993), we at Shoot That S are pleased to induct The Patriots into our Pro Wrestling Junk Drawer.

Firebreaker Chip and Todd Champion, probably reluctantly, joined forces in 1991. Chip had the gimmick of, you guessed it, a fireman... Perhaps surprisingly, Chip's past gimmick was even worse; you see, back in his USWA days, Chip (Curtis Thompson to his non-friends) had a gimmick of "The Ultimate Male", in which he wore a mailman outfit to the ring. Unfortunately, Google's entire algorithm mainframe exploded when I tried to find a picture of this. Todd's ring-name was a bit more deceptive; he was billed as recently returning from Desert Storm. Confusingly, they were also announced as being from "WCW Special Forces", though evidently no one else was ever known to be from this group. Don't get me wrong, both were physical specimens to be sure, Todd standing 6'6" and weighing 290, with Chip a huskier 5'11" / 245.

The problem was that they pretty much sucked. After being pushed to the er...moon (read: U.S. tag champs), the dynamic duo lost the titles to Steve Armstrong and Tracey Smothers - The Young Pistols. Yes, at this point, the writing was on the wall.

Have no fear, faithful reader - yes, I'm talking to all one of you...we would not go to such lengths without a ridiculous video clip. So here I give you the Patriots beating up a couple of jobbers. If nothing else, Sam Cody may win my vote for greatest jobber ever. Who the heck is doing color commentary?

The Red Rooster

Deep inside the halls of the World Wrestling Federation a conversation took place in 1988 between a young aspiring wrestler named Terry Taylor and Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  We can only speculate that it went something like this. "Terry, you know what the WWF is missing?  What could really take us over the top?  A wrestling chicken."  The mere fact that the young Taylor didn't get up and leave right then and there only proves he himself may have been "half-cocked."  See what I did there?  Nonetheless the Red Rooster was born.

It wasn't all that bad because it did give us this gem of a promo:

What, you mean an interview where you admit that your competition is tough, you get knocked down a lot and you crow like a rooster isn't going to put you over with the fans?  Huh, coulda fooled me.

Surprisingly enough the Red Rooster began his WWF run in 1988 as a heel managed by Bobby Heenan under the gimmick that he was novice wrestler that had to take move by move advice from The Brain.  Of all the aspects of gimmick this actually might have been the most believable.  In 1989 the Rooster dumped Heenan and began a face turn that would lead him to super-stard.......mid-card sta.......jobberville.  A victory over Heenan at Wrestlemania V was the peak of his career as he left the WWF in 1990, had a brief stint in WCW then became an announcer and eventually Director of Talent Relations to TNA wrestling.

We leave you with this Red Rooster/Mr. Perfect match from 1989 including a run-in by another potential Junk Drawer honoree, the Brooklyn Brawler.