Whose Quote is This?

For each quote, identify whether it came from the lips of:

a) Charlie Sheen

b) Muammar al-Gaddafi

c) The Ultimate Warrior

No cheating now....ready? Email us at shootthats@gmail.com for answers.

1) "I need not earthquake insurance, I need not health insurance...I will NEVER need life insurance"
2) "I don't have a tuxedo that fits anymore because my chest and my biceps are too big."
3) "Dig your claws into my organs! Stretch into my tendons! Bury your angers into my bones!"
4) "How must I prepare you must ask yourself. Should I jump off the tallest building in the world? Should I lay on the lawn and let it run over me with lawnmowers? Should I go to Africa and let it trample me with raging elephants?"
5) "Come on in where nightmares are the best part of my day." 
6) "Obeying your parents is more important than doing as your parents say." 
7) "The grandstands of public athletic fields are actually constructed to obstruct access to the fields."
8) “Placing a child in a day nursery is coercive and tyrannical and a violation of the child’s free and natural disposition.”
9) "You can't process me with a normal brain."
10) "You have the right to kill me, but you don't have the right to judge me."
11) "There must be a world revolution which puts an end to all materialistic conditions hindering woman from performing her natural role in life and driving her to carry out man's deities in order to be equal rights."
12) "Dollars do not buy desire, bankrolls do not build biceps, and the world does not sing your praises because of c-notes!"

13) "I can smell it...it is in the air...the cosmic powers of Mars...the clouds of Jupiter...the rings of Saturn...the boiling heat of Mercury. Something's gonna happen"

14) "The marrow in these bones is of a different composition. The blood in these veins is of a different consistency. The brain waves in my mind are of an unknown frequency."

Bonus Question: Muammar al-Gaddafi or Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka?

PGA Golfer's Errant Shot Saves a Life

Reported by Joe Juliano of the Philadelphia Inquirer:

"[Chris Logan, 25,] had his day cut short when a tee shot from Sean O’Hair, one of his favorite players, struck him in the left temple at the 18th hole.
As emergency medical technicians hustled him to a nearby tent to be examined, Logan had no idea this would be the luckiest day of his life.
While checking him out for a concussion, a doctor inquired about a lump just below his throat and urged him to visit his family doctor to get it checked out. The lump turned out to be a malignant tumor on his thyroid. He underwent two surgeries less than six weeks after being struck by the ball."

to read the rest of the story: Philadelphia Inquirer

Mascots Gone Wrong

Amarillo Sox general manager Mark Lee shook his head late Friday evening and simply said: “Oh what a night.”Things turned sour for Lee as the Sox mascot was supposed to look like a sock but looked nothing like Lee had requested. Instead of a soft looking sock-type mascot from nearly head-to-toe, the foot portion of the sock stuck straight out about 2 feet at the waist. “It was not the way I wanted it,” Lee said. “I’m very disappointed in the lady who did it, and I’ve told her so. She is going to fix it to the changes we want. I want to say on the record, if we offended anybody, I apologize.”

Email Conversations 6.28.11

During the work day, we often email back and forth discussing various topics.  We have been doing this for the last 5 years.  We will share some of these conversations weekly.  To protect our identities, names have been redacted.







This weeks Email conversation is not really a conversation but a few emails sent from one Shoot That S! contributor to his friends at work.  They all have to do with......well, you can just read it yourself.  And they are all from the same person and unfortunately true stories.  His poor wife.

3/31/2008

From: (Redacted)

Sent: Monday, March 31, 2008 1:57 PM

To: (Redacted)

Subject: Story

Ok, so here's the story I didn't tell you on Sunday.  So Saturday night after we all hung out my system was still acting up, I don't know what I ate.  So anyway I went to bed and I wasn't feeling much better.  I woke up in the middle of the night, almost 5 AM I think and I had just had some weird dream so I was a little groggy and I'm laying on my side with my back to the middle of the bed towards (Redacted: Wife’s Name)  and something must have been building up all night and I let out this long soft fart that went like pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffftttttttttttttttttttttt.  It lasted for like 10 seconds straight and I remember that my stomach felt a lot better.  And I'm just falling back to sleep when I hear, "Oh pewwwwww!!!!!!"  "What is that?!"  And I started laughing uncontrollably even though I was like half asleep.  Apparently the smell was so bad that it woke (Redacted: Wife’s Name) up and she was half awake saying, "what is that?? It smells like a skunk!!"  And I was laughing and I couldn't stop and then she figured out it was me and tried turning the overheard fan on but she was still half asleep and was saying "its lingering, its circling the room!"  I swear it was one of the funniest thing ever.  Good stuff.

(Redacted) | (Redacted)| (Redacted)

(Redacted) | Minneapolis, MN (Redacted) (:(Redacted)| Ê: (Redacted)| *:

(Redacted)

6/5/2008

From: (Redacted)

Sent: Thursday, June 05, 2008 1:05 PM

To: (Redacted); (Redacted)

Cc: (Redacted); (Redacted)

Subject: RE:

On a related note....last week I was going # 2 in the bathroom and I had real bad gas that sounded like a high pitched trumpet.  With each fart it got higher and louder until I was hitting notes Josh Groban would be impressed with.  I'm pretty sure people down the hall could hear me but I thought it was such a miracle of modern acoustics that I had to keep going.  Now no one will shake hands with me.  I don't get it.

(Redacted)| (Redacted) | (Redacted)

(Redacted) | Minneapolis, MN (Redacted) (:(Redacted)| Ê: (Redacted)| *:

(Redacted)

5/28/2009

From: (Redacted)

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 9:19 AM

To: (Redacted)

Cc: (Redacted); (Redacted); (Redacted)

Subject: Dream

So I had a funny dream the other night and I woke up giggling and (Redacted: Wife’s Name) was like what are you doing?  Here is the dream:

(Redacted), you were there and I think a couple other of you guys were too.  (Redacted) was pouring two paper cups of poop into each other like he was mixing it for a science experiment.  Back and forth, back and forth.  When he was done mixing it he smelled one of the cups and said "Whoa, that stinks!"  And I said to him "Duh (Redacted), because there's poop in there!!"   And then I started laughing really hard and woke up giggling.

(Redacted), you do some funny things sometimes. 

(Redacted) | (Redacted) | (Redacted)

(Redacted) | Minneapolis, MN (Redacted) (:(Redacted)| Ê: (Redacted)| *:

(Redacted)

Exposed: Iron Chef America Chairman!

Ok, call me naive.  Perhaps a little too trusting even.  But when I tune in to my favorite cooking battle reality tv show I expect it to be on the up and up.  Recent facts have come to light however, that are calling all I held as truth in Kitchen Stadium to be questioned.

It turns out the the Chairman of Iron Chef America is in fact NOT the nephew of the shows original host, Chairman Kaga.  His name is Mark.  He's from Hawaii.  And he's a paid actor.  And contrary to what he would lead you to believe each week on the Food Network, he speaks very good English.  

It gets worse my friends.  Not only is he a fraud, but a B movie making fraud at that.  Turns out before he "brought Iron Chef to America" he starred as Jesse Page in Boogie Boy and as Matt Reeves in Kickboxer 5: The Redemption.  Here's a little training montage I found.  Turns out he can break an arrow with his adam's apple.  Tonight's secret ingredient:  "cheesy."

If you're like me you're reeling right now. Trying to digest this information while starting to question what else on Iron Chef America might be fabrication.  The judges?  Alton Brown's encyclopedic knowledge of food? Kevin Brauch's sole patch?

You lied to me Alton.

Is nothing sacred?

Sometimes the truth hurts faithful readers.  But while you might not be able to trust your favortite battlefield cooking program you can always count on us to "shoot straight."

From the Classifieds.....

30 Year Old Men Say the Darndest Things

This week's quote comes courtesy of Men's Basketball at a Local Church.

Background: We play pick-up basketball every Thursday at a local church  It becomes pretty much 3 hours of arguments over the score, guys who have no business being shirtless outside of the bathroom being on the "skins team", hitting your face against a really sweaty guy's body, fist fights, quotes such as "I could've played on my high school team, but (fill in the blank with some out of touch lame excuse), a lot of 3 point shots, cheap fouls, and then we leave with what's left of our dignity...and probably a visit to Urgent Care.


On this night, only one of us from Shoot That S! was able to make it to basketball, so that next day, he emailed us with what we missed.



12/09/2009

During the final game (Reacted) drove on Jake and called a foul.  Jake questioned it and (Redacted) said "dude you fouled me like 4 times on my way to the hoop" to which Nick said "get outta here man, you didn't get fouled 4 times."  And I said "doesn't it only take one foul?"  Nick says "yeah but four is crazy."   Jake also said "well I was going for the ball, I wasn't trying to foul you."  I said "are we taking into account people's intentions? Don't most people try not to foul on defense?"

I somehow wound up on a team with (Redacted: Names of really good players) and we pretty much won like 5-6 games in a row (despite my best efforts) but the (Redacted) boys and Nick/Jake didn't want to switch teams.  During one of the more close games Nick hit a couple of threes but we still won.  While everyone was getting water afterwards and doing the usual "good game" to everyone, Nick says "you guys are just lucky that I didn't get the ball one more time."  Classic. 






Feel free to share your Pick-Up Basketabll Stories in the comment section... (funny stories only, please no stories about that one time you went for a triple double and hit the game winning shot.  Stories like that makes you "That Guy.")

Email Conversations 6.21.11

During the work day, we often email back and forth discussing various topics.  We have been doing this for the last 5 years.  We will share some of these conversations weekly.  To protect our identities, we will change their names to the lead characters from Shanghai Noon.





8/27/2009

"Roy O'Bannon"

Is it mean that I enjoy watching Mark Sanchez fail?  That a big smile came across my face when he threw a pick 6 on his first pass Monday night against the Ravens and that his second pass went through the arms of Ray Lewis?  I suppose the guy makes $60 mil and his life is no worse for wear even if he stinks up the joint...but still.  Is there something wrong with me because I logged on to NFL.com for the sole purpose of watching "highlights" of Matthew Stafford struggle in his first pre-season start?  Probably.  I guess I still cling to the belief that its takes more to be a successful NFL QB than prototypical size and arm strength.

"Chon Wang"

I hope when you and (Redacted: Wife's name) have kids, that you have a boy that throws like a girl.

"Roy O'Bannon"
I'd say its a given.

Bonus Conversation

2/15/2010

"Roy O'Bannon"                                                                                                                     Maurkice Pouncy just confirmed me as a friend on Facebook.  I am officially back to groupie status.  I don't know that anything will top being "friends" with Kevin Pittsnoggle in college though.

"Chon Wang"
Congratulations?

"Roy O'Bannon"
Haha.  Yes, I am a 27 year old man who takes pride in befriending prominent college athletes on Facebook and runs a good but not elite Texas A&M program in EA NCAA 2007(on playstation 2).  Its kind of shameful actually. 

1980s PSAs

Hey kids, don't do drugs!  But don't take my word for it.

Also, don't jump to conclusions about people...

Ok, from the 90s but a classic

Willing the Wolves

Ok Wolves fans, the NBA Draft is right around the corner so its time to unite as one mind and channel our inner Charles Xavier to will the Wolves into succeeding on Draft Night.  History shows they need the help.  Here we go, all together now, "Derrick Williams at 2, Marshon Brooks at 20."  "Derrick Williams at 2, Marshon Brooks at 20."

David Kahn, you WILL not trade the pick for crap.





But, wait!  What's this?!  Its Tony Ronzone aka Magneto!  He's using his power of magnetism to trade the #2 overall pick for Marcin Gortat?!  Curses!  Our hopes are dashed again!



Gortat is good!







You win Kahn.  You win.

Kahhhhhhnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!



Wedding Songs

We are now well into the month of June. Here at STS, that can only mean three things:

1) Methinks the Timberwolves are prepping for another bad draft
2) The Twins are making a furious rally to climb in the Central
3) It's wedding season, kid!

Mazal Tov!!

I recently attended a wedding for a family friend whom I have known for years. The ceremony was good, the walleye was excellent, but the toasts were incredibly lame -

We have been great friends for years...a few days ago we went back to our old college and it was cool...you guys are perfect for each other...everyone raise a glass.

So Touching.

Next of course, was the best time of any wedding; the dance! At that point, inhibitions go out the door. There is head-nodding, fist-pumping, knee-bending, and cha-cha sliding aplenty. This wedding was no different. After father/daughter and mother/son dances, the always overrated "We Are Family" (see below) started up. Naturally this brought the family of the couple to the floor, where they proceeded....to be confused on what to do. At first there was jumping, then some sort of hand-holding-circle-thing, and then most people just broke into something that resembled The Electric Slide.

Next batch of songs were oldies but cliches (Summer Lovin', Stayin' Alive, Brown-Eyed Girl, etc), prompting "too much wine lady" to make a clown out of herself by continuing to dance all the way out of the ballroom and perhaps towards the bathroom. These were followed by Brian Adams' Summer of 69....quickly emptying the dance floor, save for two young children jumping around near the corner. Some songs just don't belong. On that note, here are my top 3 best/worst wedding dance numbers:

Best Wedding Songs:
1) Shout - Isley Brothers (1959) - a classic, allowing young children and senior citizens alike to progressively crouch on the dance floor and then jump while using their jazz hands. Who doesn't immediately think of Wedding Crashers or Jacob Silj?

"...and a little bit softer now...and a little bit softer now..."

2) You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC (1980) - Brian Johnson sings it at the top of his lungs, and so do we - before realizing how ridiculous we sound when the DJ does that audio-drop-thingy during the chorus
3) Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger (1979) - A foot stompin' good time that unfortunately ends up reminding us of Tom Cruise in his skivvies.


Worst Wedding Songs:
1) Celebration - Kool and The Gang (1980) - another awkward "how the eff do you dance to this???" number. Reminds me of Target Center post-game back when the T-Wolves were good, heightening my hysteria.
2) C'mon N' Ride It (The Train) - Quad City DJ's (1995) - shouldn't it be "Quad Cities" DJ's? This is one song where I try to make any excuse to head with "too much wine lady" for the nearest exit before I'm grabbed by "I've-got-no-qualms-squeezing-your-hips-even-though-we've-just-met guy"
3) We Are Family - Sister Sledge (1979) - used as the theme song by the 1979 World Champion Pittsburgh Pirates, which can pretty much explain why they haven't won since.

C'mon now. We've won a few since then...

Funny Names: Current Baseball Players Edition

Minus the obvious – Milton Bradley and Coco Crisp

Darwin Barney, 2B, Chicago Cubs – He obviously doesn’t believe in Creationism

Grant Balfour, P,  Oakland A’s – I wouldn’t want him pitching with a 3–2 count.

Josh Beckett, P,  Boston Red Sox – He will strike you out and than tell you how much your Rookie Card is worth.

Phil Coke, P, Detroit Tigers – He loves Pepsi products.

Gookie Dawkins, SS, Cincinnati Reds – Don’t yell his name out loud in China Town.

Reegie Corona, 2B, New York Yankees – This is a guy you would want to party with.

Kosuke Fukudome, RF, Chicago Cubs – He hates the place where the Twins used to play. 

Robby Hammock, C, Arizona Diamondbacks

Will Rhymes , 2B, Detroit Tigers

Kevin Slowey , P, Minnesota Twins – A pitcher name Slowey.

STS Movie Classics Presents: Harry and the Hendersons

In our ongoing committment to bring you only the finest of cinematic masterpieces we present to you today Williams Dear's "Harry and the Hendersons."  Following the classic American story of "family makes trek into the wilderness to discover themselves, famliy hits sasquatch with late model station wagon, family brings dead sasquatch home, hilarity ensues."

Released in 1987 the movie starred John Lithgow, Melinda Dillon (better known as Ralphie's mom in A Christmas Story) and Kevin Peter Hall as Harry.  And yes, that is the same Kevin Peter Hall who starred opposite a certain ex-governator as the title role in "Predator."  Filmed almost entirely in the Washington area it had a widespread impact on the local community, especially those lucky enough to sneak on set and catch a peek of the filming.

The story follows the Henderson family on their way home from a family camping trip when George hits poor Harry in the family truckster.  Assuming the beast to be dead the Hendersons do what every red-blooded hillbilly would do, strap him to the hood and take him home.  But Harry isn't dead is he.  Because that would make for a pretty short movie and I'm guessing the producers had to book the sasquatch suit at least a week in advance.  Harry awakes slightly concussed, raids the fridge, eats the family goldfish and destroys the house.  But the Hendersons, being forgiving people let bygones be bygones and agree to take Harry in as one of the family.  

Who can say no to this face?





But its not all fun and games in Bigfoot Paradise.  Enter a French-Canadian hunter full of stereotypes and hot on Harry's trail.  And when the general public starts to catch wind the fur really hits the fan.  Can the Hendersons protect Harry from the evil French-Canadian?  Can a Squatch really co-exist in suburban Washington?  I won't spoil the movie for you, only to say that it did spawn a mediocre tv series starring Bruce Davison, yes THE Bruce Davison.  So, you do the math.

On a Timberwolves draft pick grading scale I give Harry and the Hendersons a "Luc Longley."  Dumb, not that gifted, but intriguing enough to keep me watching.



Email Conversations: Wolves Pre-Draft Chat

Conversation from work. Names have been changed to protect the innocent...

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:48 PM]:

If you could deal the #2 along with some other asset(s) and net picks that allowed you to draft Kanter and, say, Burks…wouldja? 

Peter Bretter [1:49 PM]:

no

Wes Mantooth [1:49 PM]:

yes

Wes Mantooth [1:49 PM]:

not sold on dwill

Peter Bretter [1:50 PM]:

any chance we can still make a run for M. Gasol?

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:50 PM]:

you guys and your spaniards

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:51 PM]:

why so anti-american?

Peter Bretter [1:51 PM]:

he and Rubio could communicate, and no one else would know what they were saying

Peter Bretter [1:51 PM]:

except P. Gasol I guess

Wes Mantooth [1:51 PM]:

you want to go for the commy kirilenko?

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:51 PM]:

that's the problem they currently have with B-easy

Peter Bretter [1:51 PM]:

yes, but he can't communicate with anyone clearly

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:51 PM]:

AK47 is Drago-esque, yes

Peter Bretter [1:51 PM]:

but not from Sweden

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:52 PM]:

pecko's gotta be swedish

Wes Mantooth [1:52 PM]:

would just want a SG from this draft like burks/brooks + a big man more than just dwill at 2

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:52 PM]:

don't we have a shooting guard?

Wes Mantooth [1:52 PM]:

your guy wayne

Peter Bretter [1:52 PM]:

are we giving up on Wes?

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:52 PM]:

acourse

Wes Mantooth [1:53 PM]:

not sure if he can play the 2

Wes Mantooth [1:53 PM]:

he was 4 in college

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:53 PM]:

he's a DNPCD in the NBA

Peter Bretter [1:53 PM]:

well if we draft D-Will, Wes is gonna have to play the 2, yes?

Wes Mantooth [1:53 PM]:

maybe, but I just don't know about his ball-handling

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:53 PM]:

history tells us the wolves like to have 6 guys at only one position

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:53 PM]:

it's called "building assets"

Peter Bretter [1:54 PM]:

let's bring in Laettner for a look, he's in town

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:54 PM]:

working out?

Peter Bretter [1:54 PM]:

running some camp

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:54 PM]:

kahn trying return some of the magic?

Wes Mantooth[1:54 PM]:

I heard that brewer and cardinal are world champs now, so they have to get kahn's attn

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:54 PM]:

CBrew got DAL over the hump

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:55 PM]:

Dirko and Kidd should buy him a car

Peter Bretter [1:55 PM]:

this convo might be "postable" on "Shoot That S"

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:55 PM]:

that was my intent

Wes Mantooth [1:55 PM]:

"Fire that K?"

Peter Bretter [1:55 PM]:

no royalties though

Irwin M. Fletcher [1:55 PM]:

what's my alias?

Wes Mantooth [1:55 PM]:

biyombo-4eva

Peter Bretter [1:56 PM]:

nice

rwin M. Fletcher [2:21 PM]:

[switching to Twins' game] cappsy gonna blow it?

Peter Bretter [2:21 PM]:

score?

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:21 PM]:

1-0

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:21 PM]:

1 on

Wes Mantooth [2:21 PM]:

liriano start?

Peter Bretter [2:21 PM]:

Blacky

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:21 PM]:

7 h 1 BB

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:21 PM]:

1 SO

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:22 PM]:

shoulda let him finish

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:23 PM]:

over

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:23 PM]:

we're comin' we're comin

Wes Mantooth [2:23 PM]:

mauer back tomorrow to stop the surge?

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:23 PM]:

"Wes". . .the MN Twins are a pro baseball team

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:23 PM]:

yes, King Buzz Kill back manana

Wes Mantooth [2:24 PM]:

they have pro baseball outside of ny/boston?

Irwin M. Fletcher [2:24 PM]:

not really

John Edwards Very Pleased about Being Arrested

Always the politician...

1980's Teen Pop Stars, Mega Python, Gatoroid?

In 1987 Debbie Gibson became the youngest artist to write, produce, and perform a number 1 Single on Billboards Hot 100 list.  She ruled the pop charts from 1987 - 1990 and graced the cover of teen magazines like Tiger Beat and Teen Beat.  Also in '87 Tiffany rivaled Gibson with her "The Beautiful You: Celebrating The Good Life Shopping Mall Tour".  Her hit "I Think We're Alone Now" was also a number 1 single on the Billboard Hot 100 list.  In 1987 they were both on top of the world.

In 2011?

They are starring in the SyFy made for Television Movie, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.

Here is a description of the movie from Amazon.com:

It’s a battle of the beasts from the director of Pet Semetary that’ll rock your world when two titanic terrors face off along with a pair of ‘80s pop icons! After doctor and activist Nikki Riley (Debbie Gibson) accidentally unleashes a python into the Everglades, rival doctor Terry O’Hara (Tiffany) is tasked with finding an expert reptile hunter—and when her boyfriend dies in the process, she resorts to extreme measures to create genetically enlarged gators to stop the slithering menace. Soon the swamp is a huge, scaly battleground between colossal gators and pythons -- with a charity ball of potential human snacks in their path! Don’t miss this mammoth spectacle of teen queens and man-eating monsters in a gargantuan duel to the death!

So in 2035 we might be lucky enough to see Britney Spears, Christina Aguliera, and Lady Gaga star in Mutant Cockroaches vs. Giant Raccoons.